Gratefully Aware is for every survivor of childhood sexual assault, especially victims of incest, or their loved ones seeking to gain perspective on the inner turmoil such a history creates.  

Of the insidious side effects that CSA manifests, the ones that tortured me most were shame and isolation. They caused a vicious erosion of the self-worth children are meant to naturally cultivate and carry through their adult lives. Every craziness I tried to hide, every monstrous behavior that slipped out, felt like a flaw in my soul that I could never escape. For decades, I believed I would never know happiness or a mutually fulfilling and compassionate relationship. Until 2022, my mind didn’t even know I had been sexually abused. My body, however, never let me forget. 

For much of my life, I existed within an invisible binary of trying to be happy and being hopelessly depressed. My original goal in creating Gratefully Aware’s founding practice was to celebrate all those delicious shades of grey that life has to offer. After a couple weeks, I realized shades of grey constitute much more of my life than the blacks and whites did. Knowing most things were grey took some of the power from the negative experiences and helped me face them honestly and ask them why they hurt.

This blog has evolved a great deal since it began in the spring of 2024 but its purpose has not strayed: to describe the authentic daily experience of a childhood sexual assault (CSA) survivor and what a version of the recovery path can look like. I do my best to bare it all: the beautiful, the benign, and the grotesque are published here in hopes that someone can recognize themselves and think “I’m not alone, my symptoms are not who I am, and I can grow beyond this.” With any luck, this project will be a display of neuroticism to grace, codependence to independence, and trauma to peace.

I have journaled for most of my life but I am not a writer, so be ye warned. I have no intention of polishing this or making myself look good, that would be against the point. There will be typos, imperfect usage of the English language, swearing, and all manner of imperfections. I am also not a professional in anything related to this subject matter; I’m just a person on a journey with a lot of time to read self-improvement books. If you need professional help, which in my opinion everyone could use, please refer to the resources tab.