Thursday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Frustrated in a familiar way. Cubu had lunch with his mom and was sad all afternoon yesterday. When he did try to talk about it, he barely gave any information. It’s his right to not talk about it and to not share, I know that. But I want a partner who is open with what they feel, brave enough to look inward and put words to those feelings and share them. If they choose to keep something in, I want it to be a choice rather than the only thing they know how to do. I feel so alone in my relationship, the only one being open and vulnerable, and it’s so obvious when things like this come up. Sad because there’s nothing wrong with the way he is, it just isn’t what I want. Hopeful that therapy can help with this. Maybe.

Sad for a friend going through a breakup after 15 years together. This is my twin flame friend and I loved getting to talk with him today, it just hurt to see him at such a pivotal point. I do think he’ll make something great out of these ashes. He needs somewhere to live that isn’t with his ex so I called Jolene and asked if she was looking for a more permanent renter for her AirBnb. They both seemed interested and my friend will get back to me tomorrow on whether he wants to meet up with her and see the space. I feel like I’ve done a good thing, they would like each other and he needs somewhere to heal with good people. Even if it doesn’t work out, I can know I’ve tried. 

Guilty, like a bad worker. Vyvanse makes me so fucking talkative, you would not believe how chatty I am now. Or maybe you would lol. But it’s worse. I’ve spent over half of my shift yesterday and today just talking, it’s atrocious. My boss doesn’t care as long as I get my job done, and my other coworkers talk about as much, but still. I’ve got to figure out how to prioritize work when I’m at work. It doesn’t help that I joined the library force specifically because I was lonely and wanted coworkers. But there’s a position opening up in the near future that I think I want and I need to be better than this.

Feelin’ good…

• I spent way too much of my work shift talking with my friend/coworker Grace, the one who converted to Christianity and I have been distancing myself from. I’ve been missing her a lot recently and was feeling motivated to talk to her the way I did to Cameron, to fess up and see what happens. Today she sought me out in the stacks for something work related and we ended up having one of our deepest, sweetest talks. I confessed to her that I had been backing off because I felt inadequate as a non-Christian in her life. She admitted tearfully that she had noticed and had let me. We both apologized and renewed the importance of our relationship. I’m proud of having that hard conversation, it brought about something really beautiful and hopeful. I even admitted to her that I am struggling with codependency and I don’t leave Cubu alone in the house. She’s the first person in my daily life to know that and it felt safe with her. I’m grateful to have met someone so wonderful and to grow together. 
• My Po4 met today (3 of us) and had a great, brutal session again. I’m loving these women and connecting deeply with their struggles that mirror mine. I’m so grateful to be in this group and to be making progress in CODA.
• Had a big talk with Cubu about what I need to come out of this therapy, where I hope we will end up. The first availability is in two weeks so we’ll see then. It felt good to communicate with him about these hard things, even if we’re both pretty scared about it. I’m grateful that we are addressing it now rather than letting the relationship fizzle out like I was prepared to do before SIA. And I’m so grateful that he’s willing to do this work for us. I feel bad asking it of him, like I’m not worth fighting for, even though I work so hard on the same things I’m asking of him. Like it’s okay for me to do it because he deserves it but I don’t. Clearly a thing to work on.
• The Vyvanse for sure works for binge eating. I used to spend probably hours thinking of food, then when I stopped binging I would still spend time NOT thinking about food. These past two days I simply haven’t thought of it, I FORGET TO EAT! And yesterday, I only ate half of my dinner because I was full and didn’t compulsively come back for it later. W H A T!?!?! Unprecedented. I saw Oreos today and not even a little bit of me wanted them. Also unprecedented. I learned today that the bad side effects are because I’m on the generic version, and that the name brand apparently doesn’t have the unsettled effect. I feel so fucking free, like I can breathe from under this weight I’ve been carrying MY WHOLE LIFE. Food doesn’t have to rule my life, my brain power can go to actual things that matter! I think I’ll just take a pill when there’s a social gathering that I would definitely binge so I don’t learn to rely on it until I have the time to go through Overeaters Anonymous.
• I feel excited about my future career, whatever it is. Completely new feeling for me. I’m not even scared really, just anticipatory. I think I can be of service somewhere, contribute something meaningful someday. I’ve come to peace with not wanting to be a glassworker, with ending Ludvig’s legacy. Not ending it, changing it. I have taken his death and am building a new life out of it with the aim to give back. I feel called to be a child therapist or a school counselor. I want be there for the little Ludvig’s, the little Me’s, that grew up so alone and didn’t know what a supportive adult felt like. I’ve always believed that once I work on myself enough, my path will appear. I told myself that I couldn’t see the path because I wasn’t that version of myself yet. It’s been a real struggle of faith as I felt I was failing so thoroughly in life. Now I feel close enough to begin thinking about it and I am blown away by how excited I am.