Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Guilty and like I’m letting myself down for staying home from work. I’m not sick anymore but Cubu caught it and had to call in. That means I call in sick too because otherwise he’d be alone at home and it would effectively be a Thursday. I used to view these as almost fun: I get to just take a sick day on someone else’s behalf, take care of them, and have a low-key day that feels outside of time. Now I’m feeling disappointed in myself for derailing my routines because if I were detached/healthy I’d obviously go to work. I love my job, the convos I’d get to have, I missed my morning river swim, and had to push off grocery shopping. All because he might touch himself? It’s so hard to not berate myself. There’s no logic in any of this, it’s embarrassingly, cringingly, shamefully controlling behavior. But I just can’t get my mind to talk to my acting body. Really hoping CODA will be the help I think it will be

Gross, but just a bit. Wasteful. I didn’t do anything today, partially by being self-trapped and partially out of a lack of inertia. This would have felt restful if it was following a week or a busy time, but since I rested a lot yesterday I just feel like a blob. The sun passed overhead all day and I never went out to say hi or felt it warm me. I just hate wasting time like this, I only have so much of it. 

Guilty for being short with Cubu while he was feeling really sick and complaining. I thought he had a case of the man cold since I was sick with the same thing a couple days ago and I didn’t moan nearly as much. Turns out his fever is just way worse because of the viral load and I was just being mean. I apologized but I don’t know why I didn’t just stop myself from saying it in the first place. Even if it was a man cold, there’s no need to act like that. And I could feel it, could hear in my head that I shouldn’t say that and I said it anyway. I wasn’t vicious, just unfeeling and not the compassionate person I want to be. 

Compassion (after seeing his 102 fever) for Cubu. He really did seem to be suffering, it was hard to see. And I hate the helpless feeling. Not that being sick is a thing anyone deserves but sometimes when he’s sick, I just wish I could take the sickness because I deserve it more. Woah, that was a really harsh self-view. I didn’t realize I had that until writing this out. 

Knocked out of my schedule, discombobulated?, and trying to not use words like “lazy”. I haven’t been active in 5 days and my whole body is upset with me. It’s simultaneously full of nervous energy yet unwilling to get up, as usual when I go without for a while. I hate my routine being disturbed, then feel like an absolute frump for feeling that way. Trying to lean into the fact that I am not the spontaneous type, I like my structure, and to figure out how to maintain that structure even when other things come up.

Feelin’ good…

• I didn’t overeat today despite being antsy, cooped up, and feeling badly about myself. I had noodles for dinner and I’m happy to report that after a couple weeks of eating clean proteins and veggies, my body doesn’t crave them in the same way and even felt kinda nasty afterwards.
• Got to play Codenames: Duet with Cubu, a word association game. I love word/language-involved games but have a hard time finding people that like them. I’m grateful someone donated a copy to the library that I got to take home for free and enjoy. 
• Did my budgeting from last month (I had fallen off my expense tracking halfway through) and was happy to find I stayed within bounds. One of my worst fears is going back into the poverty like I was raised in so it felt like I could breathe easy again. Goofy that the very fear of poverty is what keeps me from looking at the budget that prevents poverty. I’m grateful for budgeting software and for being taught how to use it.
• I had an epiphany for the root cause of why I feel so bad calling in sick/taking sick time, even when I truly am sick. It’s been a low level mystery and I’m grateful to have solved it. Hopefully I can call in sick in the future without that weight now.