Today I’m grateful for feeling…

clogged and unwilling to unclog. I can tell I need a good cry, to grieve for those children and the mirror of my pain that they represented. I can feel myself resisting in a big way. I know it’s foolish, that I’ll feel better after, that it will help me move forward. I don’t know how to make myself cry like that though. I’ve told Cubu  I need to cry today so hopefully that holds me accountable. 

Nervous anticipation and unwillingness to do the budgeting I’ve slated for this weekend. I feel like a snotty kid ready to throw an internal tantrum at the idea. I have more than half a mind to not bring it up and hope Cubu forgets as well. Maybe embarrassed that this is my reaction. Caught myself as I was writing this, did some self-compassion, and not feeling that way anymore. Feeling capable now. 

Resistant to seeing Cubu’s family.  They want to see us tomorrow and I’m not up for it, I want my Sunday to be restful. *But* Cubu refuses to see them alone. I hate this. I feel like it gives the appearance of me keeping him from seeing them like I’m a bad influence. I wish I could just tell them this is his deal but obviously that would not be okay. I had a long highschool relationship where the parents HATED me – in retrospect, I understand their concerns even if I think they handled it poorly. They had chased me down in person, in cars, multiple times and it was traumatic to feel hunted by adults with threats in their eyes like my dad. That experience has made me desperate to not be thought ill of by my partner’s parents. Woah. I didn’t realize this until just now writing this down. Update: I feel unconcerned now. I know I’m not doing anything wrong and I’ll trust them to not take punitive action even if they do feel that way. 

martyred? Righteous and unappreciated? Cubu, board game friend 1 (BGF1), BGF2, and I are sitting on the porch, enjoying the heat. Cubu and BGF1 are playing a PC game on a laptop. BGF2 keeps getting too hot and going inside. As a personality trait, Cubu is 100% engrossed in whatever he’s doing, no matter what it is, so he never notices shit like this and is completely oblivious to his guest being uncomfortable and isolated. My hostess status compels me to not let a guest get stuck alone, but I like being outside just as much as Cubu and don’t want to go back in either. I feel resentful at being in the position of the only host noticing, caring, and feeling forced to be the one to give up what they want for the comfort of the guest. This wouldn’t be so frustrating if it isn’t ALWAYS my job. He gets to do whatever he wants then say “I didn’t know that was happening!” when I ask him to pull his weight later. Or say “just tell me next time” which makes me feel like a momager. I decided to go in with BGF2 for his sake because I don’t want him to feel bad, and not because I’m forced to as a host. The mental reframe helped, but I wish I knew what to do about Cubu being an oblivious co-host. I guess we’ll have to talk about it again.

Feelin’ good…

• I made brownies with little dinosaur bones fossils in it for National Dinosaur Day. Finding little ways to celebrate random national holidays was something I did all of last year. I stopped with this CSA work so I’m grateful to be feeling good enough to do it again. 
• Cubu got me a new set of baking sheets today since our old ones were gross and from college days of misuse. Every little addition to our house feels like we’re building something we care for. I’m grateful to have such a sweet partner that thinks of little things I use and wants me to have a better one.
• finishing the board game campaign with my group after a month of working at it. The ending was satisfying and I love how close it’s brought us to dedicate time to the same things.
• playing various frisbee games with them afterwards. It felt great to be active and play like kids – spontaneous fun and nothing in particular planned to do besides hang out and goof around. 
• after reviewing and updating my 2024 goals document, I’m relatively on track for most of them despite all the CSA work and grief/depressive episodes.  
• not feeling very sad the past couple weeks. Part of me worries it means I’m not doing the emotional work, but I’m definitely still working so I suspect that’s just my perfectionism popping in. I’m so grateful for the clarity and chance to process that this practice gives