Today I am grateful for…
Nearly crying at work. I had been gone for a week, first from my family visiting and then because I just took two days off. And I love my job. But going back is heartbreaking. I feel so unconnectable, and part of why I love my job is because of the connecting I get to do with coworkers who have become friends. I feel like such a wet blanket that I’ve been avoiding everyone and it’s taking a toll. People will only reach out so many times. I did realize I was doing that with a treasured friend though, and I recognized this pattern of isolation in myself, so I set up a coffee date with her tomorrow. I told her I’ve been avoiding her because I feel like a burden and would love to have coffee. She saw me and held my arm and made sure we found a time before I left for the day. So a mixed bag on work. The biggest lesson seems to be to trust people to want to be there for you. Terrifying.
Feeling like a friend of mine, Cameron, is avoiding me. He’s the one who told me about 12 step programs for things other than alcohol. He used to be a safe harbor and we have been very close the past year. Like one day he could tell I couldn’t handle going home and being alone so he invited me to hang around his place for a couple hours. This was when he mentioned the 12 Steps. It was exactly what I needed, and I thought it had brought us closer. But since telling him a couple weeks later that I’m in my own 12 Step, I can feel distance between us that hadn’t been there before. I tried asking him about it because he’s usually really straightforward and he said nothing was amiss. But I can feel it anyway, and I have a generally good track record for telling when something is off. So I must be a trigger to him for something, or he’s going through his own struggles. I can’t seem to bridge the gap and I miss him and his gentle company.
having spent literally all evening playing on the switch. Seriously, like 6 straight hours. I neglected eating, my nightly obligations, and my bedtime. I just cannot seem to stay in the present if given the option to escape. I recognize this as a pattern of mine as well, but knowing that doesn’t help me stay in the real world.
I asked Cubu if he wanted to play a boardgame today because we desperately need to connect and I need to not be sucked into a fantasy world. He’s supportive of all the recent gaming but instead of making me empathetic towards his lifestyle, in a way it has made me worry more than I had before. Is this what he’s using it for? It doesn’t seem like it but apparently that’s a conversation we have to have.
My therapist and I putting our sessions on hold until she’s covered, and even talking about maybe finding someone else if this isn’t working. It was not an easy conversation or realization. But we spent the rest of the session going over what I was already doing for myself/resources I’m using/practices I’m keeping up with, and she showered me with praise and encouragement. I show up for myself and make myself do this CSA stuff every day, even when I don’t want to, and it’s working. It felt great to have it all be recognized for the effort I put in and to see everything I do for myself laid out to see. I’m going to make a list so I can see it every time I feel down or like I can’t take a break because I’m “not doing enough” according to my own standard, which is impossible to meet.