Saturday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Strange, wishy washy, and unlike myself as I keep having near-sex dreams that have me waking up feeling icky. I’m excited because I feel less of the ick than I used to but it is still there. I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t normally have them. I feel like my unconscious is trying to tell me something but I don’t know what. And sometimes I look at Cubu and feel desire? Which is also strange and foreign and completely unlike the lack of libido I’ve been describing. This also makes me feel icky but not as icky as I used to feel. Apparently I’ve swung the other way? I have no idea but I’m hoping it means progress in something, even if I have no label yet. 

Kind of sad, maybe guilty? And maybe I don’t need to feel this way at all. Today we re-celebrated Cubu’s birthday since my SIA memories took the wind out of his original one. We’ve been doing every single thing his whim tells him and I’ve been a good partner. I feel proud of being able to be selfless but also realizing how much of our regular days are taken up by my big emotions. Watching him be his natural self with no sway from my confessions or energy fatigue or desires to do something, I can’t help but thinking he’d love to live this way every day. And he lets me stop him from this kind of living. There’s no real reason why he shouldn’t be able to live like this in our relationship, but it so very much feels like how he used to live when he was single. I don’t know how to explain it well. But I’m having a hard time thinking his life would be better without me, and wondering if mine would be better without him. I tell myself the grass is always greener; work through the problem before calling it quits. 

Feelin’ good…

• At last night’s dinner, Richard pointed out that he doesn’t think I said “sorry” once the entire night!!!!! This is a huge fucking deal, I used to compulsively attach an apology onto every third sentence or so. For years, almost everyone that knew me would tell me to apologize less. When I lived with him, Richard would point this out each time and helped me realize how frequently it happened. So to hear from him that we had a 4 hour stretch without an apology made me feel like flying. I wasn’t even specifically working on that! I think it was a byproduct of growing my self-esteem. Feeling proud and accomplished.
• Cubu and I went without our phones all day and it was incredible. A bunch of books have recommended that but I’ve never gotten around to it. We put the phones in baskets and even when we went out to eat we were phone free. I felt my mind wander in the best of ways, I really noticed my body cues, and the day felt deliciously slow. I’m excited to do this again. I appreciated that it was both of us too. When I did it on my own months ago, it felt weird being phoneless and it was hard seeing the depth of his addiction to it without my own to distract me.
• Because no phones, Cubu and I both created little carrying cases for essentials: I prototyped yarn through a tiny notebook that I already had and wore it like a crossbody. Cubu sewed a pouch bag for an Altoids tin, a pad, and a pencil that his belt could loop through. I loved carrying just a notepad for random thoughts, it’s so rare that something has to be looked up RIGHT that second. I love that we create new things on the spot together and are both crafty.
• Cubu and I connected tonight! We had a long talk about emotions where we alternated between giggling and holding each other. This is part of his effort to be more connected with himself and with me. I feel loved, seen, and like I can see him better too. And hopeful.