Wednesday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Sad that I feel shame for fearing male arousal. Of course I do, it makes all the sense in the world that I’m frightened by it and feel used when it’s present, that I don’t know how to separate desire and arousal from victimhood. But some part of me shames myself, is so embarrassed to feel this, feels it’s unspeakable and I’m unlovable because of it. I think this is one of my core issues, one that most poor behaviors piggy back/are connected to in some way. I don’t know how to approach it, I guess I’ll have to be brave enough to bring it up in therapy. But I’m so sad for my inner children who can’t accept that sex can mean love too, not just abuse.

Uncomfortable taking up space in conversations. I’ve been working on it all week, thinking that what I have to say is just as important, that I don’t need everyone to like me, that it’s okay to share about myself. I tested it again today on a coworker that I have empirical proof of thinking I’m too reserved. Her thinking I’m too private is her business, but I realized it’s because I don’t know how to take up space in my conversations with her. If someone just never stops talking, I typically don’t make space for myself and end up just being a listener. I think they should probably work on that but I can’t control that. What I can control is either choosing to leave that convo or piping up so I’m a contributor. So I did that and it was nice, she seemed surprised and bonded a bit, but it was definitely not comfortable.

Drained yet also soothed/rejuvenated after my share during my meeting today. I really pushed myself, I went as deep as I could find within my soul and forced myself to share it. I’m actually really proud. I had a whole notepad of other things to share, things that pushed nothing, things that would have been nice to share but didn’t have any shame attached to them. It’s the shame I need to focus on, shining light on those dark parts so they can’t whisper into my ear anymore. So I shared my shame of being scared of male arousal and forced myself to go into detail. It was excruciating, I hated it even. I wanted to peel my skin off and I had a hard time breathing.  Their faces made all the difference though, to see those nods and those compassionate looks shifted something in me. I’m so grateful for the person who shared before me that sparked my share, I don’t think I could have found it in me without piggy backing off of her bravery.

Worried about my elderly friend. When I moved down here, I moved in with a couple Richard and Jolene who have since named me their “honorary granddaughter”. We make sure to meet at least monthly. Jolene was around 55 and Richard around 70. Now he’s 75, older than the average male lasts, and has been slowing down. I haven’t lost an elderly person before that I cared about, not in this way at least. I feel a push to spend more time with him, to get in what I can, but he’s likely not interested in that much time. I just hadn’t put together how old he is and am taking time to adjust to the thought that he won’t always be around.

Feelin’ good…

• Completed one fabric cube! It took a while because we’re making it up as we go, and had to keep going back for more fabric, but we managed our first cushion! I’m so excited for this project, to be doing it, to get to use a sewing machine, and to continue customizing our home.
• facilitated another meeting, first time for this one. This is one of my favorite groups and they were so wonderful at the end, they stayed on just to say I did it perfectly and to encourage me.
• volleyball games today, one was a default win and one was a loss but I loved playing. I felt strong and capable and loved encouraging/interacting with my team. 
• I admitted to Jolene that I’m going through CODA, which is another shame buster since it’s a big point of shame. The SIA not so much since I’m obviously a victim in that. Being in CODA feels like an embarrassment, a failure on my part to behave like an adult. I don’t truly believe that but the feeling is there. Telling her felt like a release. I even told her that in my relationship, I function as the codependent addict and Cubu functions as the codependent partner. To me, that’s my ultimate shame because I’m the perpetrator of dysfunction in my relationship. I love that she held the space for me, didn’t judge me at all, and shared her own codependency journey. I am so incredibly lucky to have completely stumbled on this couple when I moved down here. 
• I was in a mood, talking to Cubu about things I want to happen, ways I want to be healthier. Like I want to go camping with Jolene and leave him home alone, I want to make plans with friends without accounting for him being home alone, I want to go to sleep whenever the hell I want and not worry if he’ll masturbate if I sleep first. All sorts of things wrapped in codependency and sexual trauma. But after listing them, I was in awe. I’ve never wanted those things before. I WANTED to want them, and halfheartedly at that. Truly, I wanted to fail at my growth, to have to break up and not face these parts of myself because it was unimaginable that I would actually want independence. But here I am! AND I MEANT IT! I still have a long way to go but to have a goal that I actually believe in seems like a great improvement over just going through the motions because I feel forced to.