Today I’m grateful for feeling…

cracked like a windshield or an egg, ready for some little thing to burst me open. A number of signs waterfalled into place today and left me very humbled. I also realized what the EGO + SOUL card draw was warning me of these past couple weeks: my ego wants to be done with my pain and will do whatever it can to convince me I’m done healing, while my soul is still tortured and waiting to be attended to. The past couple weeks have been fantastic. My interest and energy was restored! I was active, pursuing projects, picking up new duties at work, and improving the house. But that was just the eye of the storm and that feeling of nearing a threshold has been pretty overwhelming recently. I appreciate the break I had because I believe the body takes rest when it needs it and everything happens in its own time. Which is also how I know it’s time to start digging again. 

Reluctant, even knowing I’m avoiding my emotions, to face those feelings. I’d much rather just write the feeling good ones. Which sounds obvious but is truly frustrating. Like a kid that you know is overtired that refuses to sleep to help itself. Even this entry feels like a cheat because it isn’t deep enough.

Obstinate. I could stop now. I could stop here and live a happy, functional life that has vastly improved from my life six months ago. I curse the drive in me that won’t let it rest, that voice that whispers “yes, but it will be even better if you can be brave and face this. You will have a level of peace inconceivable to you now, because you’re already living with a level of peace that was inconceivable to you last year.” Fuck it all. I guess I’m grateful to have the drive, to have the whispering, to keep pushing. But also, a huge FUCK YOU to myself for it. 

scared of the dark spots in my memory. Many of my lifelong behaviors related to intimacy make sense to me now; SIA and CSA work have given me a lot of clarity in that way. But there are dark spots, places my inner eye simply slides over in favor of “more tolerable” abuses. Bringing these into the light feels like where my path is going and I could shit myself I’m so scared. I have already found out that Dad would touch me, make me touch him, have me in the room while he watched porn and touch him during. I really, truly, completely, with all my heart and soul, in my entirety, DO NOT want to know what else there could be beyond that. But if I maintain that attitude, my inner children won’t tell me what they experienced and I’ll just remain a gun half-cocked with a hairpin trigger.  I want more for myself. There has to be more. I feel grieved that the only way to bring those inner children closure and justice is to listen to the unfathomable and process it. This healing shit is a bitch.

Denial that I lived through those things even as I wrote them. And incredibly dissociated, like reading about someone else’s life.

Embarrassed to admit that I’m still not okay. That the entire “I’m healing, I’m over it, look at me I’m fine!” phase was public. Normally those pseudo breakthroughs are only known to myself and sometimes Cubu, very rarely anyone else. Was it obvious? Were I a third party to myself, would I have seen it? I broke my own Three Mention Rule, another indicator to me that I was deluding myself, so I might have seen it. I guess there’s no need for embarrassment if I think about it, self-delusion seems very commonly human to me and I don’t feel I’m any more self-deluded than the next person. But then again, that’s what a deluded person would think!

Feelin’ good…

• • my meeting today was lovely. I was weeping through everyone’s shares, and through mine, with no real explanation. Everyone was so loving and their looks conveyed only compassion and care. I felt accepted for being exactly where I was. And their shares were so insightful, they reached at my core even as I was actively trying to avoid feeling. I’m so very grateful for these groups and the brave souls in them. 

• • one of the realizations that brought me to my threshold feeling is that, most of the time, I only obsess over Cubu when I’m avoiding looking inward. I use all the feelings that come with being in a relationship as an easy excuse to not dig deeper while also feeling like I’ve done the work. I’m grateful to have realized another sign to look for that can indicate where to go next. 

• • I’ve begun praying? I don’t believe in a god or even a universal power really. In SIA (and other Anon groups) you need a Higher Power to surrender to. When beginning SIA, I decided my higher power is my hearty belief in the human ability to improve. It’s been growing on me, lending me strength when I’m not feeling I have enough on my own. It feels like getting advance credit on a loan or something. I KNOW I’ll be better later, because I believe in the human ability to improve, so I’m borrowing strength from Future Me to help Current Me.  And today I prayed to it and it felt great! I’m grateful for Anon groups pushing you to find a higher power, I likely wouldn’t have forced myself to define one and found this solace otherwise.

• • after all the angst of the day, I forced myself into a wonderful meditation session. I meditate daily, forcing myself on days I really don’t want to, so I typically have a less fulfilling session. Today’s was perfect: I felt my energy unbind from my body and join the world around it, infused with a sense of wholeness, serenity, and contentment. I’m grateful every day for having stumbled into meditation. I don’t use this superpower as often as I should but I take great comfort in knowing it’s ever-present and immutable.

• • finished selling the furniture! I’m excited to know that Marketplace is so easy and look forward to the next thing I try to sell. Now to see if the mushroom sells?