Today I’m grateful that…

I attended a meeting that was writing based, where there was a prompt, we write, then we share and people give positive identification with it. I’ve recently started toying with poetry as medicine so a poem came out of me and it was SO embarrassing to read it out loud. Or rather, I was eager to read it out loud but it was flaccidly received that I ended my share early rather than endure everyone sitting there awkwardly. The worst part was I didn’t think it was so bad? Apparently my ego is wrapped in this because I was crushed. 

the friend I was going to share my shame list has to put down her pup after 16 years of having her. I’m heartbroken for her, I think in a lot of ways her dog was the only constant love she had in her life during most of those years. It means she can’t be there for me and my list (and I wouldn’t want her to). I worry that I’ll never get to share my shame list, that I’ll lose my courage, that I’ll just have written all this down for naught. Silly worries, I’m sure I can find a positive in this but I’m just bummed for both of us right now.

Cubu has to work overtime tomorrow morning, which is when we were supposed to leave for our date day/road trip up north. We’ll still do it, but his work normally takes a big chunk of the day and he’ll be thinking of it while we’re on our thing. It feels like the wind has been taken from the sails, and our connection has been back-burnered for work. He’s the main breadwinner right now so of course it has to be this way, I’m just feeling disappointed and deflated.

It’s an intimacy night tonight and I dread it. I know it’s tonight because I’ve been putting it off. I’m trying to change how I think of it but I’m just so averse to everything sexual right now. I wish I could just tell him and his desire would just vanish like mine seems to have. It’s a codependent issue, and a trauma issue. I shouldn’t feel responsible for someone else being aroused but I do and it sets off a panic in me, like I NEED to deal with that, like it’s my literal job. I’ve regained some CSA memories now so I know where it comes from. But I have no idea how to untrain this..

Upbeat gratitudes include…

• I really savored the food at the awards luncheon today. ate very slowly, made it last, and ate only the part I wanted out of the dessert rather than compulsively eating the whole thing
• I still like my poem and look forward to hopefully editing it some future day to make it into what it could be. Proud that I can like something of my own that no one else did, normally other people judging my thing poorly makes me turn on it too but maybe I’ve overturned that habit?
• I followed my own advice and confessed my feelings to my mom and my foster family and they were both very gracious and understanding. It was a good confidence builder for vulnerability