Sunday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Stressed out that my house is always a mess, or less organized than I’d like it to be. If all my time goes towards library work/attending meetings/doing homework and Cubu has a full time job, the house has no keeper. The solution would be to set a time or work out a chore distribution, but neither of us prioritizes that conversation. I normally would but I feel too guilty. I feel guilty for not homemaking, for being a “freeloader” since I contribute less to the rent. So I’ve been doing house work in my “free” afternoons while Cubu rests and plays games and what not. He doesn’t even realize when the laundry needs to happen, or that the dishes need tending. I could talk to him but then I face the potential of rejection, of him saying “you NEED to do this since you aren’t financially pulling your weight.” Now that I’ve written it, I can see that’s my inner critic and that he’d never say it like that. I guess I’ll just have to bring it up and keep myself from picking up the duties at the first sign of him being slower than me. 

Sad and worried that our practice is slipping. I know it’s summer for you and I don’t blame you at all; I definitely want your kids to have all that quality time. There’s just this little voice that worries you won’t come back when school starts, that this has run its course. Maybe it already has for you and I’ve just been too scared to ask and find out. I’ll message you in the chat before posting this, and none of this is said to put any kind of pressure or expectation on you. It’s here because it felt inauthentic to not include this feeling in the practice itself like I do everything else. 

Disappointed again that I won’t be able to river swim tomorrow after the rains from this weekend. The bacteria built up, road runoff, and snakes finding new homes make it unswimmable for 3 days. I respect the weather and don’t feel I should make any demands of it even if I could. But I’d love a Wednesday/Thursday rain once in a while.

Kind of saddened after my family game night. We play Rummy online and video call during. At the end of the game I took time to look deeply at my mom. I noticed she’s looking less like the image in my mind of “Mom” and more like my grandma, her mom. She’s 67 so it makes sense. It was an unexpected brush with her aging and mortality, and a reminder that I need to keep her timeline in mind. If I want to spend physical time with her while she can still walk, I can’t always put off the planning or I’ll be too late.

Feelin’ good…

• I took the initiative and got the ball rolling for us to begin painting the bedroom so we can have one more room finished. Due to where the patching was, there are three walls and a ceiling panel to paint. I’m grateful for one of them needing to be painted because today I picked out an accent wall color! I feel proud for moving us forward rather than despairing at our standstill, and that Cubu came up with a silver lining like the accent wall. 
• Another day without phones and another day that has felt slow, peaceful, and so very calm. I’m at a loss with how much I love this feeling. Is this how life used to feel? I grew up with iPods and smartphones being half of my childhood, I don’t know a life so free of electronic obligation. I look forward to making this happen at least every weekend, if not every weekday after work.
• I meal-prepped today! It’s been weeks of no go-to healthy dinners and I’ve been suffering. Lots of eating things I don’t like and that makes my body feel gross because I didn’t take the time to make the good stuff. I feel grateful to have access to the food I have and lucky to have discovered meal prepping. It’s little things like this, the streamlining, that make life feel less cumbersome. Even if I do stall on doing it.
• After spending time thinking of how to rearrange my life to be less stressful, I think I have come up with a solution and I hope it works. I’ve been plagued by this feeling of always being working, of never getting a break from the emotional work I’ve been doing. I easily put in 30-40 hours a week on this stuff, not including my 15-20 hour library shift during which I listen to relevant growth resources. One thing that has been stressing me out is how I had arranged this practice, doing it mostly at night right before bed in a hurry and not spending that time doing something calming, enriching, or having quality time with my partner. I’m going to try writing my entries differently, with each midday writing session consisting of the last half of the previous day and the first half of the current day. That way the emotional “work” ends at 5 and doesn’t trail with me through the evening. I feel excited to maybe make life feel less heavy all the time, and to give life to hobbies and crafts again.