Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Concerned that, once my entries are published online, I’ll be less real in them than I am now. That I’ll let the shame get to me and augment my writing. Luckily, Cubu knows I have a tendency towards this and has volunteered to be a “bullshit meter” of sorts in case I need one so at least I have a last line of defense. I don’t think I’ll lose myself in my writing but I have before when drafting other things. I feel exposed so I get super preachy and haughty as a defense. I would feel awful if I worked this hard to be publicly authentic just to cave to pride. I’m trying to chalk this up as a future concern and not something that needs to plague me at present. 

Unaccomplished. In my four years since moving, this will be the first time I go back to Wisconsin larger and less athletic than I was the previous visit. I had begun using that as a marker of progress for myself by looking back at the last time and celebrating the difference, all my gradual moves towards health. This time, I’m packing only elastic fitness clothing because all my other summer wear no longer fits me.  I feel like I’ve failed myself. And I know this isn’t true, I’ve made substantial invisible progress the past six months. I guess I’m ashamed that everyone will be able to see I’m struggling. Which doesn’t make any sense when going to see people that love me? They would be concerned, not judgmental. It must come down to a vulnerability issue. If they notice I’m not doing as well and ask me, I don’t feel I can tell them about the CSA. Nothing brings down a room like CSA. Or a pride issue? I had begun loving the “you look so fit/are you even eating up there??” comments. After this weight gain, no one will be wondering if I’ve been eating anymore lol. SO. Do I want to be liked and well-thought of, or do I want to accept the care my foster family may give? Also, there’s an engagement party going on, no one is going to be caring about my 15 pounds. Clearly I need to sit with myself and mourn a bit so I can move on, this doesn’t have to matter in the way that it does. 

daunted by how much I need CODA, how steeped I am in unhealthy behavior. I’m excited and prepared but damn. Controlling behavior is a pinnacle of shame in our society, it is one man infringing on another’s freedom. At least in CSA we all have a built-in communal reason for our behavior: “I was sexually abused as a child, and as a result I…” There’s no such umbrella to hide under in CODA. And there’s something really disheartening about walking into a group of people sharing super culturally-shameful behavior and knowing you are exactly where you belong. There’s also a great relief to it. These people don’t sound like monsters, which is the word I use for myself in my head sometimes. They sound like people struggling to love themselves and working towards getting better. I guess the very fact that I judge myself so harshly in ways I would dream of judging someone else is part of the reason I should be in the group.

pretty stupid. I made a mistake with this trip and have less time in Wisconsin than I thought I would have for some reason. We’ll only have a day and a half with the people we’re going up to see! They’re also just visiting WI (they live in Brazil) so it’s precious time we’d be getting with them. I feel like I’ve bungled it all and don’t know how it happened. I feel like I’ve failed my old friend, who asked me to come see her. Granted, I am flying across the country to catch her while she’s here. I think the problem is I’m really organized, lapses like this don’t really happen when I’m planning things. So I ask myself now if I subconsciously did it on purpose and the answer is yes 😞 I’m avoiding her because I don’t feel comfortable with the distance between us and feel like I have something to prove that I’ll fall short of. I let my subconscious fears dictate my decisions and now it’s too late to change anything. What if she feels uncared for? I could explain this all to her and she’d understand but I wish I had been on top of my shit in the first place.

Feelin’ good…

• I figured out the recipe for willing sex! At least I think I did. I hate evenings where Cubu and I don’t interact really and then I feel like I have to give my body over to his male needs then go straight to bed. Writing this out makes it obvious I still need SIA but moving on to the recipe: simply having quality time before the sex! If we spend quality time beforehand, it feels like the joining of two lovers rather than a service I’m providing. Now to figure out how to make that happen…
• last night I stayed up crying and processed a previously hidden but very relevant fear of becoming my mom. I didn’t even realize so many things were tied to it, or that I had that fear to the degree that I did. And, being uncomfortable with crying, I tried to cut myself off at least four times. But I made myself stay in the feeling until it reached its natural end and now I feel freed of it? I recognize it as a childhood fear and have soothed that inner child. It was a powerful night. 
• I got myself to the pool! First time lap swimming in two months and it felt incredible. We all got kicked out because of a nearby lightning storm but the important part was that I did the thing, even though I didn’t feel like it beforehand. I had been wearing the one piece swimsuit all afternoon as motivation and it worked!
• Had my first deliberate CODA meeting and it was great. I think it will take a while for me to open up but I know I will.
• our wonderful, enriching, soul-connecting conversation. I’m so grateful to have been in the other gratitude group so we had the chance to meet lol. Every call we have gives me hope of finding more people like us that want deep, honest, and provoking conversations.