Today I am grateful for...
the helplessness and horror of a near-rape dream I had last night. I tried gouging his eyes out and slamming him with a wrench but he was taking pleasure in it, smiling at me and getting aroused, and I couldn’t see a way out.
my loving partner Cubu, who woke up to my whimpering and crying. When I shoved his hug away, unable to be touched yet, he silently just gave me space and after I had calmed down some, put a hand on my back in reassurance and companionship.
being scared to go to sleep tomorrow night. What if I have another dream like this or worse, a memory expresses itself?
the fire alarm going off in the middle of the night. It was a false alarm but burning alive has always been a weird core fear of mine since I was little. I woke up feeling further terrified of a fire, of burning, and of losing the first home I’ve felt safe in. I also realized I’m completely unprepared for a disaster like that so I feel insecure and inspired to put together a go-bag for disasters.
feeling exhausted and unprepared for the day given the stress of this night
my therapist going on a month-long trip in the middle of the work we’re doing on my childhood sexual assaults (CSAs, or so it’s called in the books). I don’t begrudge her the trip, she’s a person too and I’m all for work-life balance, but I do feel vulnerable just thinking about it.
that I, in an instance of synchronicity, found Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) three weeks ago so I have meetings to go to and a community to support me during my therapist’s absence
a flare up of my grief for my foster father, who died by suicide nearly two years ago. I saw a Facebook post yesterday in his memoriam. Now I feel extra stupid for going on Facebook in the first place, which I very rarely do, because a grief storm just seems like a bit much right now
feeling scared of the binging I might succumb to today, but also feeling hopeful that I might not succumb? There’s really no way of telling this early but the threat is there every day. I’m also grateful that I’ve already gained 8 pounds, despite working out 4-5 times a week, since beginning this CSA work in January, with no end to the gaining in sight.
the existence of nature to soothe the soul, and for being alive to experience it. No matter how my day goes, I can go outside, hear the birds, see the greens of the trees, (most days) feel the sunlight, and know that life continues and I’m safe where I am.
an intuitive feeling that I’m on the right track for my recovery. I take great faith in knowing I’ve been through ordeals before and always come out wiser and more balanced.
my growing love and compassion for myself and my inner children, who are and have been going through a rough time for a while. I recently discovered that setting alarms throughout the day to express self-love has done wonders. It sounds something like: “Just checking in to say I love you. I love you because you are you and that’s enough, but I also love you because… (name a reason). Good job so far today, I can see you’re doing your best and I’m proud of you.”
this unique gratitude practice, as I could tell a difference this morning after writing these down. I had been unburdened somehow, and didn’t go into the day in a foul mood because of having a night of assault and fire alarms.