Today I’m grateful for…

Being derailed from going on our day date/road trip AGAIN, second weekend in a row. Is it a sign? I’m trying to be all “it will happen when it’s meant to happen” but I’m also just bummed. I don’t even really know why I want to go. 

Spontaneous meetup with a friend couple of ours that we used to see a lot but don’t so much anymore. I like them but the boys keep going off on their own and I’m stuck with “just us girls” time, which I really hate. I’d rather talk about sci-fi books than have false-deep convos that always include oversharing. And subjects I don’t care for like makeup/skincare/etc. Anyway I got caught there listening to her deeply oversharing without a break in speech, like I’m a paid therapist, and frustrated with myself because I don’t know how to shut it down. I couldn’t get myself out of it. It’s something that has made me really dread spending time with them, since it happens every time. We’re really good if we’re all together, it’s just when the boys go off and I’m put in the position of joining the boys and making her be alone (feels super rude and dismissive) or sit through being an unconsenting bucket for her feelings dump. An obvious codependency issue now that I see it lol. 

I told Cubu the longer we go without being engaged, the less I want to be. The less sure I am that I’ll come through this CSA stuff victorious. He tells me he thought of it excitedly the other day, which hasn’t happened before. So the younger, inner me flips a table in frustration that we’re never on the same page, but the current me is glad or I could have the stress of divorce rather than regular breakup if I fail. 

I wanted to go swimming today but I just did not have the energy. I haven’t had the energy to be active for weeks. I feel so unlike myself and gross everytime my depression thwarts my personality. And a bit desolate, like when will it end? When will this work WORK? When can I feel like myself again? …will I?

Getting roped into joining that couple to an outing they had tonight and eating so much my body aches. I’ve gotten the binging nearly mitigated when at home but when I’m in public, all bets are off. I’m going in for thirds, fourths. Eating well past discomfort and my stomach has stretched so it takes a shit ton of food to get me to that point. Just disappointed in myself and at a loss as to how to fix it or mitigate it. I’ve tried so many different tricks but none can hold a candle to my need to be consuming. Hopefully the psychiatrist can help with that…

Upbeat gratitudes include…

• hanging out in that coffee shop for like 6 hours reading, budgeting, playing the farming game, sipping tea, meditating, and people watching. It was delicious and felt so restorative
• the coffee drink I discovered, and so close to my house! It’s for sure my favorite so far with honey, vanilla, and cayenne pepper so every sip gives you a burn. I guess I could make that at home too?
• the 30 minute backroads drive we did, I love where I live. It’s so green and scrubby, with gentle hills and trees shaped like mushrooms.