Monday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Guilty and sad that I may have orphaned a kitten today. Cubu found a tiny stray kitten hiding behind a trash can near his work. This poor thing was scared shitless. I soothed it and clutched it to my chest, cooing and stroking, as I brought it to the shelter. I didn’t know if this was a calling for my “I want a cat” issue but I knew I wasn’t prepared to adopt yet. It felt good to help the kitten until the animal shelter guy told me that the mom cat is usually there, waiting for a time without people to get her baby. Have I taken this kitten from its family and harmed the psyche of that mom? It’s not overwhelming guilt but after expecting to feel like I had done a good thing right before finding out I probably have done the opposite has left me feeling wounded. Probably not as much as the kitten and family though.
Sad and disappointed (and slightly universally validated) because, in a flash of irony, my Project Gratitude partner wrote to drop out today! I went to send the previous day’s gratitudes and found the letter. I guess I don’t know what I feel about it entirely. I am sad and disappointed, she started this practice and I have loved getting to know her and her life through this oddly intimate gratitude list. I’ll miss her and I get this feeling she might not return, even though she writes like she will. There’s also some relief, I think the practice has been a stress rather than a balm to her and it was feeling forced rather than natural since her kids started summer. I’m grateful that she stood up for her time and mental space and let her needs be known to me; I definitely don’t want to be a part of something that feels like it’s over-stretching anybody. And a tiny part of me is excited in a weird way? My blog is up and running, I’ve been meaning to manifest it (I even drew a card for that) but have been dragging my feet. It occurred to me that maybe the timing of my blog going live and the practice feeling stressful for her is not coincidence. Either way, I intend to use this (permanent?) gap to make sure I put everything in the blog and be just as consistent with my posting on my website as I have been writing back to her.
Nervous and guilty for asserting my desires. Cubu’s mom asked if I wanted to come to a splash pad with her, Cubu’s brother’s fiancé, and their two kids. For a number of reasons, this very much does not appeal: heat, potential mother-in-law, splashing children, I would have to take off work. I panicked just reading it. In the past I would have made some kind of excuse rather than just holding space for my opinion. This time I just told her that isn’t my type of thing but that I really appreciate being invited and thought of. I feel super proud for being so intentional, for saying no with politeness and making sure to express appreciation where it’s needed. I know boundaries don’t go well with people who are not used to them though, so I’m waiting for the fallout. I can handle it.
Feelin’ good…
- I shared about my trafficking in my SIA group today. There’s another member in this group whose share contributed to me piecing things together. I paused and dissociated several times but got it out. I’m so proud of myself, if not also feeling grief and exhaustion. The member who had inspired me messaged me “you are so brave.” and that went a long way as well. His voice and mine echo to my inner child who had the courage to stand up today.
- I followed up with that coworker that I wanted to do an afterwork dance/workout class with, the class that would have me leaving Cubu alone in the house. She was in another country and hadn’t gotten my original message- she’s excited for me to join her! I’m so proud of getting myself to ask, I could have just given up and not done the scary thing. I mean I may still back out but I have faith in myself. We can do hard things. We have done and can keep doing hard things. This is the way forward.
- I realized yesterday that I’m as smart as my partner? Or rather that I don’t have interior intelligence, the things he says are just relative to his 31 years and I don’t have to feel like an idiot next to him. This is something I have felt with every partner: less than, hanging onto their words as if gospel, putting them on a pedestal I can never reach. But now I know: it doesn’t matter. I am as smart as I need to be, I am capable, and he is my equal rather than my god. Holy shit. This may take time to sink in.
- I confessed my SIA/CODA/CSA truth to Cubu’s family and I feel so powerful, so courageous. Like I’m doing something to keep the cultural conversation open. It felt important.
- I booked a couple’s massage for Cubu and I! A professional massage was my birthday present to him but he wanted the couple’s version. It has been years of him wanting one and me weaseling my way out of it, resisting for unknown reasons. I was analyzing it today and realized that I think I was just really uncomfortable with the thought of someone touching me before. Like to be touched by a stranger made me feel terror and I couldn’t place the emotion at the time. It feels like victory to have scheduled this, to have made that connection, and to be over it enough to be excited!
