Friday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Unprepared and overwhelmed at the conversation I began with Cubu that ended up being a can of worms. I’ve been slowly scaling back the responsibilities I’ve absorbed over the years and respectfully setting boundaries about them. Examples are being Cubu’s alarm clock in the morning, making sure he eats and drinks, making sure he has clean workout clothes that are packed and ready on volleyball days, and asserting that on days I can’t get to all the chores we figure out a system for how to get them done in our leisure time so they don’t pile up. He’s been acting kind of off since as I’ve progressed in CODA and today he told me he feels like I keep putting things on him and taking none of them off. I had to drop him off before we could finish that but I suggested we spend time tonight talking about it and he kind of agreed. It was just unexpected, this freedom I was creating for myself to be slapped with the idea that I could be taking someone else’s in payment?

Frustrated at him and I’ll vent about it here before going into that convo. I’m trying to become less codependent, that’s what we all wanted. He is an adult too, it’s not my job to “take things off of him,” he should be looking out for his own interests like I am learning to do and setting his own boundaries! I end up still feeling like I do the work. Codependency doesn’t happen in a bubble. I didn’t realize that I was paying in subtle labor for the sacrifices he makes for my peace of mind. I guess the deeper emotion is fear, fear that he WILL work on his codependency and start setting boundaries with me. If he starts taking care of himself and asserting his own needs, what does that even look like? Will I constantly be at risk of him deciding to masturbate and hanging out with friends out of the blue? Writing that out, of course I feel psychotic, those should be fine things that I don’t give a fuck about. I should even be happy for him that he has them. But just thinking about a house where those could happen at any time has me tearing up. How could I feel safe in my home if things that I perceive to be vast threats are happening and I’m having to regulate myself at someone else’s whim? This is all kinds of fucked.

Feelin’ good…

• I’ve struggled all of my life with people making sexual/masturbation/pedophile/rape references, each one rips me open a bit. Now that I’m working on making my needs known, I come across this issue where I can’t tell people “hey, don’t make pedophile references around me” without outing myself as a victim of pedophilia. It’s exposing by nature and I’ve not gotten myself to make the leap, especially since most people making these jokes are Cubu’s friends and we’re not close enough for me to feel comfortable with them knowing. It’s been a big problem with spending time with Cubu’s friends, we’ve talked about it a lot. Last night Cubu had a coworker friend come over that was triggering like every 5 minutes with one of these references, it was a long 4 hours of near constant re-regulation WHILE being a hostess. So I finally took the plunge. I texted him after he left that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t make that sort of reference around me in the future, that I’m working through related trauma and have a hard time staying present/peaceful with those references around. He was super understanding and the whole experience was embarrassing but mostly empowering. I feel like after decades of being revictimized by these kinds of jokes, I finally have a knight and that knight is me. I don’t have to be mean about it and can still lay boundaries.  And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
• 💡Revelatory💡I wasn’t able to regulate after that friend left and did not sleep well at all. In those half-asleep moments of trying to fall back into it, I found insight into why I hate deceit and lies! Like I HATE it, it’s a body feel, a complete revulsion, if I know someone has kept relevant information from me. Especially if it’s “for my own good.” When I was 7 we moved from Texas to Wisconsin. I had no idea this was happening until I got in the car after school one day, noticed our whole house was packed in the back seat, asked mom, and she said we’re moving to Wisconsin. On her end, not telling us prevented us from having to hide anything from my violent father we were fleeing from. On my end it was incredibly traumatizing. Suddenly everything I knew was irrevocably ripped away from me including my friends, home, grandparents, lifestyle, culture, and father whom I loved/hated/needed desperately at the time. I think ever since then I have had a vehement distrust and overwhelming feeling of doom when I sense something isn’t being told to me that I would want to know. It’s relevant because Cubu and I disagree about this and it comes up in social situations every now and then. I still feel sensitive to deceit but I feel like I understand it now, am compassionate towards myself, and finally have hope that I can become less freaked out in the future. 
• I ran a good SIA meeting today and got more positive feedback, this time I was told that I created a very welcoming environment for sharing. This warmed my whole heart since that’s the spirit of these meetings. It felt affirming and like I actually am providing something for my fellow survivors. 
• I saw myself in the mirror this morning and caught my eye like I’ve always wished a stranger would be caught. I authentically told myself/felt I was beautiful. It was completely unforced, spontaneous, and without agenda. I felt so seen and so whole, and it all came from within myself! It’s so fucking crazy that validation only needs to come from within, what a fucking super power.