Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Overwhelmed at work and barely keeping it together through my shift, which I left early. I was on my phone in the bathroom (stupid stupid stupid) and my brother had sent a post that had a photo of me when I was like 4. And there was a kids event at work so there were hundreds of kids in the age range of my abuse. I was crashing hard, doing breathing techniques, and holed up in the back room doing misc work to avoid the children. I really can’t handle kids now, I just start hyperventilating. I understand my dad was fucked but I just can’t get the loop out of my head “How could you ever?!??” How. Could. You. Ever.”
Nervous about tonight, we’re spending the night at Cubu’s parents’ house to avoid the morning traffic for the flight tomorrow. We haven’t spent one on one time with them in over a month, by Cubu’s design. I just have so much stress about them now, and it makes me resent Cubu. I know I can’t force him to do anything, and I understand where he’s coming from. I wish he’d stop being avoidant and choose a healthier path, or at least not drag me along with him. I just hate being in this position over and over again of keeping his secret from them, of telling little lies and keeping them straight in my head. I worked so hard to be open and authentic in my interactions but still have this unavoidable (try as he might) relationship that is defined by deceit. Also they’re weird about us sharing a bed because we’re unmarried and I’m trying to let that be their problem and not mine.
disparaging towards my body as I packed my stretchy fitness clothes and looked longingly at all of my too-small shorts and crop tops from last year. Since moving and losing weight, I had developed a clothing style for the first time in my life. Something that wasn’t hiding my figure or consisting of hand me downs. It felt incredible to get dressed every day, to have discovered my nonbinary-sporty-California bi-subtle flower child style. Now I just dress like I’ve walked out of the gym but clearly have a body that looks like it hasn’t seen a weight in half a year. And then I beat myself up for caring. My body does so many wonders for me, who am I to get upset that it’s softer than it was? Is it pride? Or is it sorrow for losing what I had worked hard to gain? I feel like it’s the latter but the mean voice I grew up with raises its eyebrow to indicate the former. Someday. SOMEDAY. I will be only kind to myself without this inner war.
Feelin’ good…
- the work friend that introduced me to Anonymous programs, the one that I feel has been avoiding me? I scheduled a coffee date with him! We’ve barely talked the past couple months, which has been a far cry from being close confidants this past year. Because of that, I wasn’t going to ask but I got a gut feeling, followed it, and saw relief on his face when I brought it up. Hopefully it was the right call and I can learn what caused this funk we’re in. I’m so grateful for this growing intuition, I didn’t used to have it at all but it has only gotten me wonderful things.
- I was feeling triggered out of my mind with the kids and the photo and passed another coworker, who has been a rock of sorts for me. She’s got a huge heart and is always calling me brave and stuff for doing this work. So I got another gut feeling saying to ask her for a hug. This is not my way, I don’t ask for things when I need them, but I’m trying to change. I asked her and she immediately dropped what she was doing and gave me the biggest mom hug, rubbing my back and telling me how strong I was and that I can handle this too. Uncomfortable being soothed and praised, I tried to pull away but she pulled me back in knowing I needed it. I’m so grateful for how nurturing and unquestioning she is, and again for intuition! I don’t know what fuels these whispers but they always seem to be the most wholesome way forward.
- I went swimming! After a hard morning at work, a grueling SIA meeting, and a rough therapy session, I REALLY didn’t want to. But I made myself suit up, get out there, and I’m so happy I did. I forgot how good it makes me feel, how it regenerates the energy it spends. I’m also noticing that the days I work out seem to have less binging? I’m working on a theory that working out spends the nervous energy that fuels the eating. Will update. I’m so grateful to have a local pool and that it’s free for me through my work.
- I forced myself to meditate in the gap between the SIA meeting and therapy. I did a self-love/compassion one and it made such a huge difference. I was a fucking mess going into it, couldn’t feel anything. My throat was like those Chinese finger traps when you pull on both ends and I knew my inner child needed to just scream. So I grabbed a pillow and screamed until I was raw. When that was done I hugged myself and stayed that way, telling that child that I hear her, that I love her, that she is safe now, that I will never leave her. And it worked! I felt so soothed and powerful to be able to provide that for myself. I’m grateful for Kristin Neff (self-compassion guru) and Richard Schwartz (IFS guru) for teaching me these building blocks for healing.
- I put on some new fake nails (the picking was getting bad again) and painted them this time. It was so.. nice? They had to dry so it forced me to take a break in what was otherwise a super fast-paced, stressful evening of pre-travel packing and house prep.
