Today I’m grateful for…

the absolute back-to-backness of today. I feel like I need a weekend from my weekend, it was so full and unrestful. I got some restorative time in tonight but not enough to offset. I’m not looking forward to going into this week with less energy than usual. 

Cubu will be out of the house for two evenings this week. Normally he’s out of the house one evening every like 6 months so it’s going to be odd not having him around. And I dread it? Turns out I may have been using his ever-presence as a way to avoid sitting with myself. 

Resenting that Cubu keeps doing things for his parents? Like they really take advantage of his tech-wiz knowledge and use him for hours and hours of unpaid tech help for their business. I think he agrees because he feels he’s a bad son in other ways. But it bothers me that he’s always at their beck and call. Is this just how it is to have a family? I get that family provides for one another but it feels so compulsory to him, and it’s a very one-sided giving. Do I not understand? Or are they taking advantage of him? I can’t tell, and I’ve asked him about it being compensatory but he’s not very open to exploring the idea.

I’m going to have to tell my glass guy that I’m only doing two of the four windows, that someone else will have to do the other two or he can give me extra time. It feels awful. But glass is something that if you go into it distressed, pieces literally break because you’re less careful and the window turns out sloppy. Like you HAVE to be on your game to make a good product and I’m just not there. And I’m not comfortable doing shoddy work, I can see Ludvig shaking his head at me just thinking about it. 

Upbeat gratitudes include…

• the conversation I had with my mom when I called to say Happy Mother’s Day. She’s growing so much, it really feels like it’s two steps forward, one step back. And the steps back will hurt, but this is the first time our relationship is going anywhere positive.
• I recognized that my meeting members today were all people in a similar growth place as me, so I put out my contact info for a new recovery partner and got a bite! Excited to see what comes out of that, since I don’t think the newest recovery partner from last week will work out. 
• realizing I’ve done three abuse chart entries, one per week since I decided to do that, which is what I had told myself I would do. They’re awful but I’m proud that I’m making myself show up for them. It’s a true battle every time.
• huge binging win today, unprecedented control of my eating in a social situation, so I’m hoping that some of my good habits at home are maybe starting to translate a bit? Or it was a fluke, hard to say yet. I choose to think optimistically.
• Realizing how far I’ve come on self-love and internal self-worth. We had a meeting prompt and I was able to see that in the past couple months, I’ve completely turned myself around. So yes life may feel shitty right now but I am growing and it’s little victories like this that keep me going.