Thursday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Weird and confused after getting a text from my most recent ex boyfriend. We dated for almost two years beginning around 2016, so it’s been a while. A couple years after breaking up, we were sex buddies for a bit until it was too much for me. Then just friends. He even came down to Texas to visit me twice when I moved down here. We’ve lost contact over the years for no particular reason but he messaged today. I felt this weird pull towards my phone, waiting for him to reply and when he did, feeling like I NEEDED to text back. I’ve been reserved, not replying until I figure out what I’m feeling. Do I need to prove something to him? My old familiar “he’s above me and I’m less than” feeling came back up right away and I won’t let myself respond until that at least goes away. When we were dating, he was on a pedestal. Since then, he’s become famous in his career line and is even more intimidating to the college self that is freaking out right now. I oscillate between being in awe of what he’s made for himself and thinking he’s inferior to me because he’s done no inner work. All insecurity. We’ll see where I land but this is really testing me. 

Tired and drained from all the emotional work this week. Maybe it’s getting back into it from the vacation, maybe I’m overloading, or maybe it’s the impending masturbation project, but I’m so fucking fatigued and numb. Sometimes I feel normal but way less often than a couple weeks ago. Also I feel tempted to binge again, so I know something big is brewing. It scares me, like I’ll lose all the progress I’ve made and slip into my old habits without being able to fight it.

Cared for and excited after Richard came to coach my volleyball team through 2.5 hours of drills. It was thrilling and the team feels so much more like a unit than it used to. Richard also got a lot out of it. It felt touching to have a parental-ish figure participate enthusiastically in something I’m interested in. In the past, I had to conform to what my mom was interested in, or be annoying to my dad when I, a girl, was more interested than his son in his manly activities like archery. I think this was a first, which brings about a sorrow of its own but also a deep gratitude for having experienced it. Richard intends to continue training us after he gets back from a  vacation and we’re all thrilled to have further training.