I looked up codependency yesterday just to find out Cubu and I are both definitely codependent. At some point after this CSA stuff, we’ll have to start working on that, probably with couples therapy. I feel incredibly insecure and honestly a bit hopeless about it. This is the core of why we’re not engaged, which is why I’m not usually upset about not being married. 

Then I think, doesn’t every couple go into marriage with their own set of issues? If we wait to be perfect, won’t we be waiting forever? Isn’t the point to commit to each other’s flaws with the intent of growing out of them together? Feeling out of sync I suppose, or questioning what the point of looking forward to that is, if we’re just going to stay as committed without it. And soothing my inner child that had aspirations and dreams of watching movies and reading books where marriage is the proof of love and effort.  

Last night’s massive binge after a day of healthy eating. I just got home and could not stop, wasting all that day’s hard efforts. I feel helpless about it, everything else I have some degree of control over but not this.

I feel hopeful to have found an aid for the binging in the future. A friend takes Vyvanse for ADHD and I looked it up, it’s a drug for binging disorders as well. I used to be heavily medicated all growing up and have avoided going back to that for a decade. So I’m scared of this new excitement. But if I could have one less thing on my plate right now, especially one with focusing properties, I could devote in a more whole way to working through the SIA trauma. Wishing there was some trusted older person I could ask an opinion of. Realizing I just have to trust myself, which is terrifying.

I have paranoia related to my CSA, it’s been a main problem. I spent my first waking moments devising how to ensure that Cubu didn’t do something last night while I was sleeping, then got to tell myself I’m crazy and walk myself back from that. All before 8am in the morning. Feeling a little raw about it, and having difficulties getting to self compassion.

I discovered meditation a year ago. No matter how much I’m struggling, I know if I just sit down and breathe, I can find some peace within myself. Getting myself to sit isn’t always easy, but the comfort of knowing the option can’t be taken from me is immense. 

My partner is so fucking supportive. I’m just struggling all the time and he always knows the perfect thing to say. Which sounds like something to never complain about, and it is beautiful, I just feel like a fuckup compared to him. I grew up with a full plate of issues in a way he never did, so I know it isn’t fair to compare, but after so long of me struggling and him supporting, it feels like a balance has tipped and I just desperately want to be the one comforting sometimes.

I have found the SIA group and Overeaters Anonymous group so I feel like I have a direction for my healing. I’ve been doing EMDR with my therapist on the CSA trauma but it was so lonely, I had no one who knew what I was feeling to talk to about it as I ripped my psyche apart every week in our sessions.

Having a community and a 12 step program has been the most hope I’ve ever had for myself on this topic, and I’m so grateful for those survivors who put it together. 

My dad is dead. I don’t have to wonder if he has access to little girls, or if I need to/how to confront him, and I don’t have family that pushes me to have a relationship with my perpetrator. And if I’m being honest, I’m grateful for how gruesome and slow his death was. Being vengeful feels icky and unconstructive though, and I had no control over how he died, but I’m grateful for it anyway.

I took advantage of a weird situation to inherit his property and sell it. The financial gain has changed my situation from lifelong poverty and (with some additional financial literacy) has temporarily secured my future. I bought a car two weeks ago, my first reliable car, with some of that money and it felt good that, while he hurt me deeply enough that I’m still dealing with it every day, I can use the property he hurt me in to benefit my life.

I was doing some SIA inner work and found memories I had repressed. They floored me and it took a while to walk myself off that ledge. I went to a meeting and felt soothed, but now have to figure out what to do with those memories. I’m really grateful to have found them, they show progress and strength and make me feel like I’m doing something right.