Tuesday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Scared and nervous about starting a CODA/SIA meeting in person. I’ve been talking with another CODA member about this and we plan to meet and talk about it more. I’m very scared, my inner narrative is that I don’t start things because then I can’t fail them. But I found myself wanting to spend my lunch break reading “How to start a meeting.” I think I want this and I know the person I want to become would do it. I want to be my bravest self. There’s also the question of which one I start first. CODA or SIA? I feel more drawn to SIA, more comfortable facilitating that group. But there’s more people that would want a CODA meeting, and the point is to serve people. If I look, behind my fear is excitement. 

Apprehensive and scared of the EMDR that my therapist and I have scheduled to happen in two weeks. I thought that after dealing with this stuff all the time that it would get easier to approach EMDR but it really isn’t. I’m still quaking, breathing shallow, tensing up just thinking of it. A nice part of that therapy session was that we went through my original treatment plan and edited it. Several things I came into therapy wanting to overcome just don’t exist in my life anymore. A number of them are still there but I have more insight and can have a better approach than when I was in the dark. A couple things have not changed at all. And I added two more things to my agenda. Along with the fear I left that session feeling proud of my accomplishments and excited for where I’ll be three months from now.

Sad about my Project Gratitude partner leaving. The longer I sit on it, the more I can see how sad I am about it. Even if I know things happen in their time, even if I want what’s best for her, it seems I have to just let this grief happen. It also tripped up my abandonment wound and I feel murkier as I try to keep the past from tricking me into thinking it’s the present. I have an inner child that is certain I’m at fault, that I wasn’t enough, that I was too much. I sent her a package today, the one I was supposed to send when she sent me mine. I still haven’t opened hers so I hope she lets me know when she gets it. I’m also feeling nervous about the cost of the shipping. The whole thing ended up being more expensive than I could afford but I didn’t want to abandon something I had invested my heart into. Just feeling a bit sad all around.

Feelin’ good…

• I made myself do the morning river swim and, as always, it was magical. Very turtle-heavy this time, with almost no birds. I got so much farther than I ever have by dozens of yards. I felt capable and strong. I’m grateful to have such a healthy, able body and live near such a gem of a river. 
• I scheduled with my coworker to go to a Zumba class after work!!!! The significance being that Cubu WILL BE AT HOME ALONE while I go do this. I DID THIS! VOLUNTARILY!! AND FOLLOWED UP WITH HER!!! I couldn’t even consider this a month ago, seriously. My pattern in this relationship had been a couple weeks of normal hanging out and then I essentially moved in with him and didn’t let him be home alone for the next 3.5 years. I’m not proud of it at all, and that behavior led me to SIA and CODA. But here I am, making my first move to do something outside the house while he’s still in it, knowing he could masturbate. I thought of everything. He’ll take the car home so I can’t spontaneously leave the Zumba, I will have a friend present with me, I will be doing something active that I’ve been meaning to try, and Cubu will pick me up afterwards so I don’t have the car ride home to ruminate in. I really hope this goes okay. 
• My glass guy called after a couple months of phone silence. I should have called him during that but I was confused and not good with direct communication yet. I made myself answer rather than let it go to voicemail (proud of that, it took a lot of talking to myself) and kept myself open during the call. He and I used to spend hours talking, being vulnerable and honest with each other and updating on our lives. In some ways he was one of the first people in this state that I opened up to. So when he asked what’s been going on, I told him. I was scared to and did not do it with grace, but he took it so well. He asked if I was coming back to glass or not and I said I don’t know who I will be at the end of this growth spurt. He said whether I go back to glass or not, call once in a while and he’ll call too, just to catch up. He was there for me and I forgot he is such a good person to talk to. He told me he loved me and I said it back to him. He had a stroke a couple weeks after Ludvig’s suicide and I think ever since then I’ve held him at arm’s length, afraid of losing another glass mentor/father figure. I’m so grateful my Higher Power guided me through this interaction and prompted me to reconnect with this friend.