Saturday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Guilty, ashamed, like I’m a bad partner and a bad person because I think I might have a slight mutual crush on a member of my volleyball team. I know you can’t control your feelings but I feel so shitty. And I want to tell Cubu but I don’t want to lose volleyball, or have him feel bad every time we’re playing. The best I can do is avoid him until the feeling goes away. So I feel extra guilty that I asked him to teach Cubu and I how to play racquetball. It’s a sport that I’ve always wanted to play and I figured if Cubu was there too I’m not crossing any lines. … I know in my heart that isn’t true but I don’t know how to get out of it. Guilty, ashamed, like a bad partner and a bad person.
Dissociated, like I’m living someone else’s life. Sometimes I get into this mood where I look at my life, the people, the house, the job, and feel like I don’t actually exist in it. How can this be mine? It’s just not congruent with whatever inner child is taking over who knows me to be a sullen, depressed, friendless, impoverished thing. I’m staying present and expressing gratitude constantly but sometimes I just can’t get my brain to connect that I’m not dreaming, that I won’t wake up and lose everything. Oh. Holy shit. My therapist hit me the other day with another Brene Brown-ism when I told her I feel like significant amounts of joy get stuck in my throat and won’t come out, they sit like boulders and feel choking. She said joy is the most vulnerable of emotions because of how much you can lose by acknowledging how much you love. There it is again, foreboding joy. I think I’m experiencing this shut down rather than joy when I look at my life because the loss would feel insurmountable. Shit. Brene Browned AGAIN.
Inflexible and neglectful of my body. I had been pretty on top of stretching daily for a while last year and had been making progress. At some point I stopped and have been feeling myself getting worse. Today I tried just hanging down and I shit you not, my fingertips are a good 8 inches from the ground. I feel like I’ve done myself a disservice, yet find myself also unwilling to make time for it. I just hate the feeling of neglecting my body since I did that through all of my 20 year depression. Ashamed for complaining about something that I don’t think I have any intention to fix.
Feelin’ good…
- Successful and excited. I did my budgeting again (I had kind of only half done it last time) and discovered I’ve been able to save money! I’ve probably been able to save for months now but I was doing it wrong. I redid the whole thing, reallocated, and discovered I have a significant chunk that can go towards savings! I have been operating at a loss for years, but in 2024 started budgeting and it’s working! I’m so grateful for Cubu for being so patient with me AGAIN as I fumble my way through this software and my finance-related stress.
- Accomplished, peaceful, and reassured after I meditated/self-soothed my way out of a nasty spot. There’s a big issue with all the PEX tubing in our neighborhood – a number of neighbors have had more than 10 water leaks from their pipes! We’ve had 3 already and after this last one, we’ve decided to replumb the whole house. We had a guy come and he gave us an estimate that’s a good price but pretty fucking expensive. Cubu didn’t seem perturbed but I was feeling all sorts of inferior. Inferior that I couldn’t contribute as much, which spiraled into I’m freeloading off of this sweet man > I’m not worth the money > my value is how much I make and I don’t make enough > I’m generally unworthy of the life that I live. It was pretty rotten. But I was able to acknowledge it, express that I needed time to regulate, took that time, and it worked! I felt loved and knew that success is not determined in dollars. It felt liberating and powerful to be able to get myself out of that.
