Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Frustrated at how flappable I am. On our way into the airport two birds shat on my head and I wasn’t freaking out but I wasn’t reacting the way I wanted to either. I just felt like the Dalai Lama would laugh if this had happened to him, I was literally thinking that as I realized what had happened. I want to be that level of “go with the flow” because it really wasn’t a big deal, I just washed it out in the bathroom. I understand this sounds ridiculous, but it ties into a bigger issue of I wish I could just laugh at the absurdity as the first reaction. 

Nervous going into this meeting with my Brazilian friend Eliza. She arranged for us to meet at the house of my old college roommate, who was her friend at one point too. The Brazilian and I were once best friends, my roommate and I were once best friends, and they were once school friends, so it sounds like a good idea. But none of us know each other anymore, we aren’t even remotely close. It makes me sad for the friendships I had. Also they both have kids and I always feel left out in convos with multiple parents. It seems like any gap in the dialogue turns latently to their children as a filler and I don’t have anything to contribute.

Feelin’ good…

• for a couple years now, I’ve chosen a “plane project” to crochet in the amount of time I have in the air. I’ve made a hat for Cubu (en route to Chicago), an entire crop top (to Hawaii), and today I made a hangable teardrop basket for my crab Squishmallow. Now he has a cozy place to be during the day! It’s such a thrill, to board the plane with a skein of yarn and disembark with a new creation. I’m grateful for youtubers who took the time to record their crocheting to share their skill and talent.
• there was a double brood of cicadas that hatched in Chicago and man are they noisy. The air is full of them zooming around, it’s like a biblical plague. If I lived here I’d be so frustrated, they’re seriously deafening. But as a passerby it was too ridiculous to not be hilarious. All these little bugs cruising around, bumping into one another, bumping into our car looking for love.
• it was intermittently uncomfortable with Eliza and her family as we navigated years of not talking and the distance between us due to my youthful negligence when we parted. But there was one moment where we were both leaning against a post, one on either side, both had our legs hitched up in the way that I picked up from her family at some point: it felt like nothing had changed. Seeing her so close, it was like I could lean further and have our shoulders touch. Like maybe I could get that “two girls confessing to each other in the dark” feeling again someday. 
• seeing my “foster” family members and helping to assemble a pergola. I feel like some of them are struggling and I’m helpless. I’ve been seeing one couple gain copious weight over the years, they’re both probably at or over 300lbs by now. They both obviously have my same binging issue, eating to avoid feeling, and I have no idea what to do about it but it’s killing them.