The compulsory sex I have with Cubu. I’m really vulnerable on that topic right now but I don’t want to feel a gap between us. I also don’t want to let him down so I pretend as often as I can to maintain normalcy. I even have to initiate them all despite dreading them because he’s respectful and has backed off since I started this CSA work. And I feel wretched for dreading something I once loved, that he loves, that is a vessel for sharing love between us.

*context: My mom and I aren’t close, she’s going to therapy and is slowly becoming a better person. A couple weeks ago I told her in the most general way that “dad sexually assaulted me” because she pushed for info and I was feeling weak. They divorced when I was 3 because he was crazy so she has no great love for him. But split custody kept my brother and I seeing him until I was 8.*  My mom hitting me with “I’ve got secondhand trauma from your trauma.” This is the first I’ve heard from her in weeks after telling her. Instead of checking up on me, making space for my pain and experience, making sure I have support, it’s about her and how she had secondhand trauma from my trauma. I know that’s a real thing and I feel bad that I did that to her. And I’m too scared of discouraging her therapeutic progress to share how I feel. 

A breakthrough on my codependency with her that I had after typing that. I feel responsible for her feeling good and encouraged and I definitely don’t need to be. This clicked because you used “responsible” so thank you.

The honest messages I sent her today about how I felt, even though I dread and regret having sent anything not positive. A bit of shame and sadness for trying AGAIN to get anything compassionate/comforting out of someone I’ve never known to be compassionate or comforting with me.

Feeling like a complete burden to Cubu because of this CSA work. He’ll be having fun playing a videogame and I’ll pop in with my latest thoughts on this list of ways parents abuse their children that I have to read. I don’t want to keep bringing it up all the time but it’s my main hobby and we always share hobbies. It’s a weird place to be in.

My lack of listening to my inner voice this weekend when it told me to do something restorative instead of plowing through SIA work. I ignored it and now (predictably) feel like I didn’t get a break (because I didn’t). Exercising self-compassion on it.

Feeling like I need to be living and breathing CSA/inner work to be worth the amount of support and kindness Cubu is always giving me. He doesn’t tally it up, and it’s clearly a self worth issue. But I’m grinding myself into the ground to reach a level of speedy healing that isn’t possible. I guess I could increase my self-love practice.

Wishing I was single sometimes so I could do this work without affecting someone else with every new revelation/breakdown/depression. But I’m also really grateful to not be alone and I don’t know if I would have felt supported enough to take it on without someone to come home to. 

Figuring out we’re codependent, today I began employing an individualizing technique and it felt good! Instead of asking him what he wanted to do because I didn’t want to ask myself, I made sure I had an answer of what I wanted then told him and invited him to be with me if he wants. But it gave us both the freedom to not rely on the other for how we’ll spend time. 

Lots of relationship overwhelm today I guess 🥴