Today I’m grateful for…

Working out today! It was only for 22 minutes but it was more than I’ve done in weeks, maybe a month. It was supposed to be for 30 minutes but I couldn’t make it. I stopped an hour ago and I can still barely walk. So I feel accomplished to have been active, a little bit more like myself, and grateful to have listened to my inner voice that asked for it. But this workout would have been a cakewalk two months ago. I’ve lost so much stamina and muscle, and gained enough weight. It’s really disheartening to have done so poorly on it. The only way out is to keep practicing though. Hopeful this is the beginning of something.

My Hero’s group did meet up, I was worried we would informally stop. But one of my fellow heroes is, to me, clearly a suicide risk and I don’t know what to do. They don’t seem to be willing/able to get help, I don’t think they have anyone to support her. I’m triggered all over, they’re Ludvig and Ludvig is them and I couldn’t save him and even now, knowing all the symptoms because I read about them after he died, I’m so scared that I can’t save them. 

The conflict I have in seeing them pain. Who am I to save them? They’ve been in pain for so long, struggling for so long, I would only be helping for the sake of those they love, so no one would have to grieve like I did. But for they’re sake, honestly, I don’t feel like I should be standing in their way. And I have a really hard time feeling this given my history. Would I have seen this in him given the chance? His story is different, he had kids and a wife that he has made promises to. I don’t think my hero friend has made any such promises.  

…Avoiding calling my glass guy, convincing myself that I’ll just push it to the limit and ask for more time when he calls. Which is not the businessman I want to be, and would put a mark on my record. But I’m hopeful that I’ll really do it? I’m good with deadlines. I don’t know, I can’t tell what the right thing to do is. One of those instances where it would be easier to have a job with a boss that isn’t yourself that can tell you to do things/what to do. BUT being my own boss is what gives me this flexibility. I think I’ll just have to step up and ask for an extension. Fuck

Feeling put off that Ludvig’s wife didn’t text me back from that last time she texted weeks ago. It felt like she was bridging something, coming back into the fold, just to be left on read again. This is how it was before and it isn’t how I want myself to be treated. So I don’t know if I should reach out and say that, or if I should let dead dogs lie and just accept that I might not be a part of that family anymore. Or it could be completely not about me and I’ll be embarrassed when she does message back. 

Cubu is off helping his parents this evening so I have the house to myself and I love it? Maybe I should be encouraging him to go hang out with his friends and play board games so this can happen more often. The reason he doesn’t is entirely my fault, I manipulated him severely in the beginning to keep him from doing that. And after a couple months of pushback, he kind of gave up. This was years ago, and we’ve built our routines around the assumption that he’d never feel like hanging out with anyone. Maybe I’ve healed enough to let go of that control? He’s gone tomorrow too so I’m going to wait to see how that feels before I have a big talk with him. This was one of the hardest to admit paragraphs I’ve ever written. I guess it’s the most shameful. 

Upbeat gratitudes include…

• absolutely, 100%, grateful for our video call and the potential for more. I liked your description, that our project feels like coffee with a friend. I love having your face with it though, makes it feel all the more “sitting across from each other”
• getting a lot of glass done, finished the window from last week and began the build of its twin. I time myself so I look forward to seeing how much faster I get the second time around. 
• getting my backlog of Spanish review done. I’ve been lax this past week on my Spanish practice so it felt good to be back in the swing of it. It’s just hard to have the mental space to be learning sometimes.
• going out for a sushi lunch with Cubu and my favorites of his coworkers. Great food, great company, and it broke up the day nicely.
• stumbling upon an album that put me in a state of flow for hours doing glass. I’ve neglected music for audiobooks lately and think this may be a call to get back into it.