I had a pretty good day today. Most of the things I can think of to be grateful for are “positive”, but maybe that’s just me avoiding my feelings. Grateful for this practice because it’s forcing me to sit and see if I feel anything unsavory. 

I control Cubu. He’s conflict averse and I take advantage of that – this has been the case for over three years. But today, for the first time, I was able to admit it out loud to an SIA meeting. And to myself. And I didn’t blow up, I didn’t go to jail, no one hit me, I didn’t get rejected. I was able to accept that I do that behavior, that it has been a way of keeping me “safe”, but that it needs to change. And, again for the first time, I feel willing to take the steps to make that happen. Or at least not entirely resistant.

I’m embarrassed to share things with you because it shows what I consider to be the depth of my neuroses. But I know that’s the point of it. And there I was days ago angsting about getting married 🫥

I have to limit how often I swim because I don’t like how my hair gets with all the chlorine. Which sounds small but I adore swimming but I also adore having soft hair. I don’t allow myself many vanities but hair has definitely always been one.

As I type this, I want to eat every single thing in this kitchen. I’ve done well today, and have a movie planned tonight so that should keep me from wandering into the kitchen. But I’m ashamed that I have to avoid parts of my house or schedule things to keep me from eating. I actually bought an adult pacifier last week because a bunch of overeaters on reddit said it helped a lot to curb that “I need to be eating” feeling. Literally triggered myself buying it from what I’m assuming to be a fetish shop. 

I feel so embarrassed to own it that I never use it. And when I try to use it, it feels more strange and perverse than soothing. Then shame for purchasing a “quick solution” that doesn’t fix the cause and wastes my money.

I’m “weight loss buddies” with a friend who is actually losing weight really well. I’m very happy for him, but every half month we share our progress (and my lack thereof) and it feels disheartening every time. But I don’t want to stop being buddies because I enjoy our conversations about fitness and healthy eating habits, the former of which I still participate in.