Thursday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Devastated still. I’m now living in the reality where I’m certain of my past and it is brutal, unyielding. When “I was abused by my father” used to pop into my head, it sounded like a question. And now it sounds like a statement, a roar, a scream that fills my entire head. It is so hard to sit with this feeling.

Furious still. I beat the shit out of the pillow again and I think it’s deformed for good this time, it doesn’t seem to rise anymore. My voice is barely a rasp after the all the murder screams that ripped through me. My shoulders hurt. Am I supposed to do this every day, every time I feel it? How long can this last? How long can I keep myself open to it?

Feelin’ good…

• Great Po3 meeting again today and connected with one member afterwards in fellowship. I felt very connected and not crazy talking to her about all these weird relationship patterns of our pasts that are so similar. I’m so grateful to have these groups, I’ll be saying this until I die. 

• Now that my coworker that I fill in for has returned, I have been able to catch up on the backlog of jobs that I had put aside in favor of her work. I hate tasks piling up and loved the catharsis of ticking off my mental to-do list.

• I helped a coworker brave a socially odd situation. It was surreal, this was a situation that a year or two ago, I would have been in her shoes: looking from the outside, too self conscious to assert myself even though I had the right to. Now I was able to help her feel more comfortable. It felt like a victory on multiple fronts. 

• Cubu and I had our couple’s therapy consultation. We both liked her and she assured us that what we’re here for is workable. Now to send in insurance info to check for coverage. If we are, I guess we will go to therapy? Cubu is in good spirits, he feels he has a way forward and is excited to start. I am more reserved, cautious about the upcoming change even if it’s good. I’m still very grateful for the ability to go to therapy, to have this resource.

• – Cubu got a standing desk at work! He has an office job and his back has been deforming to the standard computer position. I had expressed concern about it over the past year, the long game of what that strain will do to his posture and his body. Apparently he’s been doing regular neck/shoulder stretches at work to combat it and today showed off the standing desk he nabbed from a coworker. I’m so grateful to have a partner that not only listens to me but also  cares enough to do something about it. If not for his own sake, than for mine.