Monday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Unsuccessful, stunted, judgmental of myself because I can’t seem to cry. I realize I cry more than some people but I really feel like I should be crying more, or my norm has me crying more often than I am. It gives me this feeling like I’m doing it wrong, like I’m not doing enough, like I’m failing at this healing thing. The logical part of me wonders if I am just better at comforting myself before I cry, or making sure my needs are met so I’m not always at a tipping point. I also wonder why I’m judging myself so harshly – since when is crying the end all be all measure of growth? Why do I need tears to feel I’m going anywhere? Maybe it’s because I truly feel I should be crying but am stopping myself. That it feels so good to feel the successes that I don’t want to dive deep into the painful, unexplored bits. Or I’m overthinking it all. Either way it’s stressing me out.
Denial, nonacceptance of what happened to me. Denial was the topic of today’s meeting’s reading and I realized I still very much deny my past, or deny how much it affects me, or minimize how much it would affect a person in order to internally shame myself into feeling fine. It doesn’t feel like a dominant emotion but it’s definitely there. My therapist says this is how it goes, that we accept the truth in the amounts we’re equipped to handle at the time. How do I become ready to handle more? Is my rushing making me slower? Again, back to feeling emotionally stuck, unable to progress.
Anxious, a sense of doom. Cubu will go help an old friend with a tech thing during our meeting next week. This is a friend he used to share confidence with. What if he tells his friend I oppress him, tells his friend that I don’t respect his needs and that he stifles his rights to be with me? What if his friend, who is very observant, tells him to leave? And listen to me, he fucking should. How can I claim to love a person that I treat that way? I guess I feel ashamed and scared of being found out, of being abandoned, of being ousted as the shitty partner that I feel I am. In my heart, nothing I bring to the relationship can make up for me keeping him from masturbating and hanging out with his friends. Jesus. I don’t think I realized this until it came out of me just now. That’s a huge well of shame. What am I supposed to do with that? I guess meditate on it but I really don’t want to.
Anger and fear from my inner children because I keep making myself have sex with my partner. I can feel them cowering inside me almost every time. How are they supposed to trust me when I keep letting this happen? How can they know I will protect them, have their best interests in mind, if I keep having involuntary compulsory sex against every body feeling that says not to? I feel like I’m betraying my body, betraying myself, betraying my relationship. But I can’t ask him to not masturbate AND not have sex. How’s that for codependent? It’s all so fucked. I’ll have to take it on with my therapist soon and I’m scared shitless to be honest. This is it, this is the big kahuna, this is the monster under my bed since I began having sex at 14. So nearly half of my life quailing under this tyrannical fear, incapable of facing or changing it. Sometimes, like right now, I feel so unready, so weak and unprepared. I just hope I’m doing the right thing.
Feelin’ good…
- Dedicated and centered in the mornings. For weeks now I’ve been listening to an episode of a podcast, the Codependent Perfectionist, every morning at the beginning of my library shift. It’s enlightening and it reminds me that I am codependent at the start of each day so I don’t have the chance to forget and act more codep than I would otherwise. It’s also really educational and accessible. I’m not really a podcast person usually but I’ve been loving this new routine.
- Hopeful? My partner and I are walking the Camino in Spain next fall, it’s something I’ve been excited about and planning for half a year now. It’s why I’ve been learning Spanish. Because of his work, Cubu can only take about 2 weeks off even though the Camino takes about a month to walk. I’ve been super bummed about this since the Camino is my thing, but also incapable of changing anything since work is work. Today it occurred to me that I could travel there before him, walk for three weeks, then he could join me to walk the last week. I know this is simple but it’s *massive* to have occurred to me. Me, who can’t even leave him home alone, has come up with and is vaguely entertaining the idea that MAYBE in fall of 2025 I could leave him for 3 weeks to go on a solo trip. Holy fucking shit. I’ve never had a thought like this my entire dating life, let alone entertained it. As an example, my college required a compulsory trip abroad for two weeks as a graduation requirement. I was dating someone at the time and after going to the class, doing all the essays and tests, paying the $2500 that I *could not* afford, I backed out the day of the flight. When the final time came, I simply couldn’t leave him. I freaked out and just didn’t go to the airport. So to be here with even the idea of going alone and not wanting to puke? Extraordinary. Thank you CODA.
- Faithful? I’ve taken to praying more since my last praying update and just find such solace in it. I’m so grateful to have figured out a Higher Power so I can finally have something to surrender to. I’ve always wanted one, always coveted the comfort that religious people have then praying, but couldn’t get behind any of the existing ones. It’s soothing and always accessible and I’m just very grateful.
