Today I’m grateful that…

I went to my first meeting of Codependents Anonymous (CODA) and Fuck. Jesus. Which fellowship do I do? I obviously need both but I really feel I can only do one at a time. I feel very proud of myself for showing up to a meeting and sharing. I’ve known about codependency for years, known about CODA for months, but never felt inclined to join. Today I trusted my intuition and it led me to the right place. And I’d rather know what I need to work on. But man am I overwhelmed just looking at it. Even knowing the SIA work is complementary, and that it’s helping in that area. 

I wonder if I can keep my relationship and work on my codependency? Now that I recognize the codependency patterns, my relationship was literally born out of it, maintained by it. Can it withstand me healing? Should I want it if it doesn’t? Is it codependent to have these thoughts? All these questions are to say I’m feeling confused, insecure, and frightened of what the future will bring. There is a tiny voice in the back of my head that says “this may end your relationship, but this is also the only way for it to NOT end.” So there’s that. 

Feeling scared of what relationships I’ll lose when I go through the CODA steps. In every major evolution, I’ve found that the friends I made were tied to that level of growth. It’s been great to know I’ve been moving forward but I’ve had to say goodbye to so many people that I loved but that we’re just not healthy to be in a relationship with. Who will I lose this time? Are my new relationships not as healthy as I believe them to be? I’m already starting to see codependency all around me. Who the fuck out here IS “healthy”?

Cubu working late to help a friend, which means going to bed late > less sleep > everything sucks a bit more than it needs to. And we have to wake up early tomorrow. I know this inability to sleep when others are awake is from the CSA but I haven’t figured out how to conquer it. Or is it a control thing? After my CODA meeting, I now have no idea. 

Upbeat gratitudes include…

• Good talk with Cubu yesterday about my feelings, how I share more with you than I do with him and how I don’t want to continue the way I have been. He said of course he wants to hear my emotions. I feel cared for and hopeful that maybe I can bridge this gap I’ve been digging.
• Did a lot of personal growth today, if that makes sense. Aside from the meetings I attended, I can feel things clicking. As part of my homework I had to look at my goals I wrote when starting SIA. Come to find that I’ve accomplished some of them! And a number of others have begun to turn in my favor.
• the therapist I consulted with is covered under my insurance AND seems like a good fit/focuses on complex PSTD. We have an appt on Wednesday, I feel so comforted to know “help is on the way” 
• making reservations at a hot pot place tomorrow! I’ll send pics if I remember to take any. Thank you again for introducing me to this, I’m so excited.