An acquaintance Demi is coming over tomorrow and I almost wish she wasn’t. She normally comes with her husband (my friend from college) and I’m comfortable with the double-date dynamic. I’m worried she’s going to try to use this time to create a girl bond that I’ve been avoiding with her. She’s nice and funny, but she’s also gossipy and more judgemental than she realizes, not giving people grace and she’s usually the victim. I’ve come to kind of dread it when she’s here without her husband, who’s presence seems to change her to just the nice and funny sides. But she hasn’t been over in maybe 4 months and I felt guilty for the gap. And now that I’m saying this, talk about codependency! And not respecting either of our time. I won’t invite her again without the husband. 

My dental office fucked up the scheduling for the THIRD time so Thursday I have to rearrange my schedule, NOT do what I needed to do, so I could come back here because of their third mistake. And it’s an hour drive round trip each time, so I’ve spent 3 hours just driving to their failed appointments so far. And I’ve used sick time on two of them! But this is the only office near me that my insurance covers. If the world were fair I’d get a discount for time wasted since I still have an hour of driving left to go. I’m so frustrated I want to cry. Going to go to Target and buy a spiral notebook for SIA instead.

There was then a massive traffic jam trying to get back so I didn’t have time to work out, which I was really looking forward to. And there isn’t time to go home, or do anything really before picking up Cubu (we carpool). So I’m sitting in the parking lot meditating and hoping that fixes my mood from being extra salty at the dental office. I know everyone is overworked and overwhelmed but fuck I hate when I get caught in the middle of someone’s bad day. It passes it on. I did get extra time to learn Spanish in the traffic and I did get the stationary I was looking for, so that’s my positive spin.

I feel so judgmental when Demi is over, like I just lose a lot of my grace for a while and I have no idea why. But she also shares everybody’s information! She clearly wants me to open up and it feels like she gets put out that I’m closed off, but I don’t like thinking about it being told from her to someone else. Even if it doesn’t matter and I don’t even know her friends, it bothers me for some reason that I can’t seem to mental-gymnastics through. 

Even getting new stationary, which for me is the best shopping in the world, didn’t help me feel better about what I’m going to do with it. I knew it wouldn’t but I thought it would help a little maybe. Maybe I’m just not in the mood and it will tomorrow.

I had a meeting with a potential recovery partner Astrid today. We decided on some reading and some inventories to do for Thursday and I’m nervous about it. I haven’t done this with someone so intimately, it’s been in a group where no one knew what I wasn’t sharing or just with myself where I didn’t have to share anything. And she seemed thrown off by my childlessness so I worry about rejection too.