Friday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Anxious because I can tell this practice is slipping from me. Without someone to whom I feel I owe these entries, the urgency is gone and it falls to the wayside of my busy schedule. I’m going to have to work to keep it a priority, especially in this upcoming week. I need to prioritize getting my website up to date so I can be held accountable to that every day.  

Exhausted from my revelation this week and the internal fury simmering under the surface of my thoughts, burning through my bones still. I feel like my brain is louder than usual. I just want some peace. I also haven’t slept well this week so that could be something. Is definitely something. 

Bummed about Family Day with Cubu’s family tomorrow. I’m just so tired and they’re logged in my mind as incredibly draining although I have no idea why. Maybe I dread it extra because they know my truth and I’ll see it in their eyes, in the way they hug me a little longer than usual. Or maybe I’m making this all about me when it isn’t. 

Loss when I think of my Project Gratitude partner. It had been about 6 months of getting daily updates from her, and of giving them back. I miss the routine, miss knowing what’s going on with her, miss getting to have our side conversations. This loss is a slow burn that I think will keep intensifying for a while, as the time continues without her.

Shocked mostly but also devastated. Always devastated. I told my mom my truth and she connected the most obvious thing. I don’t know how I didn’t fucking put it together. I was trafficked FOR MONEY. FOR. MONEY. That’s what fucking trafficking is. He had a literal payday from selling my body to grown men. His daughter, the body he made. Mom had pointed it out in such a gentle, resigned, low key furious way. “For the money.” In the most delicate way, my mom said the trafficking didn’t surprise her. She has suspected him of skimming his mom’s social security for decades and that he kept her alive/put her through surgeries long past when she should have died to keep receiving it. She said she had even called Adult Protective Services for elderly abuse a couple times on him. So he was milking his mom, we know he married my mom to absorb his debt, and then me. I’m just one of a string of women that he weaseled into paying for his fetid, grotesque life. There are three generations of us. How did I come from this? How am I his legacy? How is he half of my genes? A man that could sell me. It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Feelin’ good…

• Watching the guy ahead of me I discovered a new superpower when trying to merge lanes: open your window and make eye contact lol. Make eye contact, motion that you want in. It’s so much harder to be an asshole to someone’s face. I struggle when trying to be assertive but I made myself try it and, although the man was not happy, he let me in! Feeling grateful for the guy ahead of me.
• I really enjoyed my SIA meeting today. In fellowship I was complimented for it, they said I held a great meeting. I feel so full of purpose. Every meeting matters, and I feel privileged to get to run one and tailor the experience to the people there. 
• I called mom today and I felt so heard and so seen in a way I never thought I would get from her. I told her everything. I told her about the dad’s abuse with the porn and the masturbating and the trafficking and the grooming, everything. She said she believed me. She also said this was all making a lot of sense for her because it explained abnormal and specific behaviors I had as a kid. While I felt validated, that last part was crushing. I wish it didn’t fit well, that I could deny again. I’m so grateful for our relationship. I felt like a real daughter today.
• Played racquetballagain, I fucking love this sport. I’m getting better at predicting where the ball will go, which lets me get my body there more often. And I’m getting used to the back wall, which was a bane to me before. I’m so grateful to be able bodied and healthy enough to participate. I think I’d lose a critical part of myself without sports.