Today I’m grateful that…
I was going to message about not calling my glass guy again but I sucked it up and bit the bullet instead. He didn’t say anything negative, he’s calling the construction company to see if he can give me extra time. All that stress. It’s always like that, I put off something simple because I’ve been busy catastrophizing it and it turns out fine! The things that don’t turn out fine are usually things I’m not seeing coming. Since my default is to catastrophize without realizing it, for years I’ve had this rule for myself: if you’re thinking it, it can’t happen. The chances of any of my catastrophes happening is so miniscule, it’s basically impossible. I forgot my rule and paid for it in energy. I’ll do better next time.
Trying to get a psychiatrist, I’ve spent an hour on phone calls and another hour filling out medical forms. And I’m not done! And this isn’t my first afternoon like this! I haven’t had time to touch my window – I have the energy today and I’m even dressed to work on it! But this shit has to get done during business hours. I literally sobbed in the middle of this, the back and forth of weeks and hours today finally resulted in an appointment – a month and a half away. I feel like I need help *now*. I’ve been working on this for a month already, I’m so angry at the whole thing. What the fuck am I paying this insurance for? Jesus. And if I were another client, a suicidal one desperate for meds, less willing to sit through all the calls/holds, unable to jump through all the hoops, that person would just die and be a casualty not of their disease, but of a shitty insurance system. And they would have PAID to be neglected like that.
Feeling guilty for complaining about some of these things, does that ever happen to you? I have so much! I have so much and yet I complain. Is it complaining, or is it feeling frustration? Something about it rubs me wrong. Maybe there’s a difference between complaining entries like that one and more emotional entries, like things about my mom or CSA. I’m just wondering if I’m noticing the dark clouds more than the silver linings recently, and I love the Pollyanna challenge of seeing the silver linings.
Being S O R E from that workout, I can barely walk, I can’t sit, god forbid I try to squat. Usually I chalk this up to “no pain no gain”, and it is that, but it feels bad that just a month ago that workout wouldn’t have affected me at all. I’ve just neglected myself and my body enough that a simple video has taken me out for the rest of the week. Where did my sorely won strength go? I feel weak all the time the past couple weeks and now it’s been proven painfully true. It matters because being physically strong has been my psychological safeguard against being harmed like I was as a kid. I know it doesn’t work that way but it gave me comfort to know I would be a difficult victim, that I wouldn’t be helpless again. I’ll build it back up once I’m feeling better but in the meantime, I feel really vulnerable to the imaginary attacks in my head.
Upbeat gratitudes include…
- scheduling an appointment with a doctor in my network. I’d rather have one than not have one.
- having half an hour to spend on windows today, at least I made some forward movement
- the corporate challenge this weekend was supposed to overlap on top of my Sunday (most valuable) SIA meeting, causing me to miss it. Something changed and now it will be after, so I don’t have to miss that much needed meeting.
- taking the time to get my much-needed haircut. I don’t know why I always stall so long
- Hot Pot!! I LOVED it, I’m so excited to go again. This hot pot place had AYCA sashimi included in the price too so I was psyched. Thank you again 😋
