Today I’m grateful for…

A dream that involved Ludvig’s family, who used to be mine as well until he died, and has me waking up grieving. Another casualty of the suicide, losing a foster family. I used to fly there for Christmas and everything. But something changed in his wife and now I wonder if she never liked me that much. I was more Ludvig’s than hers, even though she was a mother figure for years before I met him. It’s all complicated. I miss her and I miss the twins, who just turned 17 and I’ve watched them grow up.

The confusion I feel over Demi’s visit. The evening was okay but I was acting really weird and feel like I owe her an explanation. Then talk myself down because I don’t OWE anyone that information. But I’ve also had a personal project where I do my best to share and be vulnerable, in a non-overwhelming way, to be the change I want to see in the world. So normally I would share this but something is stopping me. I guess something tells me she isn’t the right person.

Memories that got triggered during a meeting today, things I had forgotten about and have been super ashamed of forever. And I’m now realizing that un-assaulted 8-10 year olds don’t go into chat rooms with old men that are looking for children. I shouldn’t have had the concept of graphic sex and be desperate for 50 year old guys to have sex with me, without a true concept of sex because I still didn’t have my memories, just thinking that love was whatever sex was. I feel released from this lifelong deep shame but also so, so, so sad for that little girl. I got caught in the chat sites several times by adults and they all called me sick, even my mom thought something was wrong with me. The blame was on ME. I can’t imagine seeing a little 8 year old girl that keeps going back to chat rooms with adult men answering ASL with “13 (because that was old enough in my mind to be doing this), sex: yes?, English” and blaming her. Clearly something has happened. She shouldn’t KNOW these things, WHY was she there?? Angry for being blamed and overlooked when I needed help.

Being frustrated with Cubu and his job situation. I’ve been really compassionate for a year as he’s come home almost every day defeated and sad. I even offered to help him find another job today but he said no. He has no boundaries with work, works extra hours all the time without getting paid for them, is completely under-supported but blames himself when progress slows down, and REFUSES to prioritize himself over his job even though he knows it’s what he should do. I’m ranting now but I understand where he’s coming from. Today he got in the car, head hung looking like he’d cry, and didn’t want to say a word. I feel so helpless. I guess that’s my real problem.

Feeling frustrated at my memories, or lack thereof. It’s so invalidating. Even having all the evidence, all the symptoms, even knowing in my gut that it happened, I can’t trust myself. That nagging feeling that because I don’t remember like I would yesterday’s lunch, it maybe didn’t happen. Wanting to have made it up so it didn’t happen. Knowing it did. It’s a mess.

Having issues making time for meditation like I used to. Although I don’t really make time for anything that isn’t SIA or sleeping. Maybe I shouldn’t think it’s a deficiency in my meditation practice, rather a time management issue.