Saturday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Helpless and sad when it comes to Cubu’s 10 year old niece. Regarding the niece, she’s neglected in front of our eyes. She’s insulted, ignored, gaslit, and talked to as if she’s stupid and doesn’t matter by her father (Cubu’s brother) every time I see them. She’s parentified for her father and baby brother in a big way. I play with her, I talk to her, I let her know I’m a safe person. I don’t know what else to do because she will still go back to that home. My heart breaks for her every time and this was no different. He’s also a guy whose friends are all from low places and I worry about sexual assault while he’s neglecting her during parties. I try not to think about that one though. 

Sad and feeling grief for C’s brother’s second baby mama. I think she’s at the end of her rope with Cubu’s brother and honestly I think it’s incredible she’s stayed this long. I don’t know what happens behind closed doors, she could be abusive too for all I know. But I do know that in public, he’s awful and I wish she could just leave. They live together and have a 16 month old though, and I can see “trapped” written all over her. I gave her extra hugs, had a short but honest talk with her, and let her know she can reach out. That she never has to pretend things are fine around me. I’m so sad for everyone in the house. For her because I don’t know how she will get herself to leave. For the niece because she’ll lose a stable mother figure when she’s at her dad’s and will surely have to take over full baby responsibility once the baby mama walks. If the dad gets custody. For the baby whose formative years have been surrounded by yelling parents and an incredibly stressed out mom. And for Cubu’s brother, who struggles every day by acting out the pain of being born to parents who were ill-equipped to raise a sensitive, ADHD kid like him. What can I do? Should I do anything?

Feelin’ good…

• Worked on a braiding/beading project for an hour. I’m working on a strap for my mini journal so it’s portable on phone-free weekends. I used to do textile projects all the time and it feels like coming home whenever I revisit it. My hands remember more nuance than I realized. It’s time consuming but I’m glad to have spent it on something fulfilling.
• I fit into my mother fucking shorts!!!!!! The shorts I wore last summer but couldn’t fit into this year. I’ve lost enough to fit into my clothes again!!! No more going to events in stretchy workout clothes because they’re all that fit!!!! I can wear my wardrobe again!!! IT’S WORKING!!!
• I woke up this morning overwhelmed by the feeling that my relationship might actually work? It must be from the therapy. We can get better, we’re redefining the impossible choice I was facing. I don’t have to lose my partner, my house, my lifestyle, my friends. There’s a way forward, we’re on it, and I’m so so happy to have hope again. That nagging feeling that told me I’m going to regret staying has, for the first time, been silent. 
• I took a Vyvanse today because it’s Cubu’s family day and that is an extra stressful social gathering. It gives me so much energy though, I spent our Saturday Morning Cartoon time doing calisthenics as I watched. And the gathering went well, that energy remained and I played with Cubu’s 10 year old niece for hours. It felt good to give her attention. 
• Another phone free weekend day and again, I felt so calm and the day felt longer than usual. Is it possible to be addicted to breaking my phone addiction? It just feels so fucking good. I guess this is what life was always like before? 
• I had an oddly (Vyvanse) inspired day where I couldn’t stop thinking of how to use my experience in service to others. What if I started speaking my story aloud? Held an event at the library, or some churches. Somewhere where survivors can hear something that mirrors their own life and go “oh my god I’m not alone AND there’s something I can do about this.” This feels really important to be thinking about. I’m not an awful writer (with editing). Just ideas. But I’m excited to be thinking about them. In the past I would never have come up with nor flirted with it.