Today I’m grateful for feeling…
exhausted and not enjoying my time with our next set of friends up here. This couple is originally from near us in Texas but moved here a couple months ago. So we’re staying with them and their 5 cats for a night. They’re nice but this amount of time has been a bit much, small-talk wise. I’m also bitter to be spending time with them, that I couldn’t just say no. I flew up here, spent hundreds, and this isn’t who I came up here to see. I really need to learn how to say no. Everyone is making plans for “next time” and I can’t seem to do anything but smile. I did tell Cubu that I don’t want to see them next time, that it’s expensive and I want to prioritize my people. I’m grateful he thought the same, I don’t know what I would have done if he did want that. That would be a future problem for a less codependent Me.
stupid and foolish and trying to not beat myself up. I’ve been taking CBD gummies every day to mitigate the social binging and got the notion to look up if it causes drowsiness/fatigue. … it fucking does of course it does. So all this tiredness, this exhaustion? I’ve been drugging myself into feeling drained for the sake of eating less. It might have been worth it, and explains the oddly heavy feeling this entire trip, but I feel silly and like I spent my time poorly because I was too tired to enjoy it fully. By my own fault lol. Ridiculous.
frustrated and annoyed that Cubu is a hobbyist photographer. We keep having to stop for things he wants a picture of. And of course he has a camera from the 50s that takes forever to set up, get the lighting right, take the photo. And it’s always at a place/time where I can’t just move on and leave him behind. I should just entertain myself and stop grumbling, he waits for me all the time. Probably. But I feel like I wait for him ALL the time, he’s so damn putzy. I should just take it as a chance to enjoy my surroundings and slow down, but it’s hard to take advantage of something that feels forced on you.
despair at the primates at the Zoo that we went to. I tried to avoid their habitat but failed to just say no when it was suggested. I couldn’t look any of them in the eyes, it was like seeing a human in a cage. I don’t know how people stand it. They have our expressions! They look sad, listless, and SO BORED. It was the last thing we did on the trip right before going to the airport so it kind of tinted a lot of the last 48 hours, stupid Bookend Effect. I usually plan our vacations with that in mind, making sure to put something exciting and juicy at the end so we can end on a high note. I dropped the ball on it this time and am paying an energetic price for it by trying to not cry over these primates.
overwhelmed as I begin to read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I didn’t get to the positive tools part yet so just kind of felt buried in the behaviors I don’t want to be engaging in. I feel like I can see my faults now but don’t know how to change them? I’ll just have to keep reading…
Feelin’ good…
I’m happy to be going home. I loved my trip up here and getting to spend time with loved ones. But I realized that at some point during the 4-ish years since I moved, I’ve truly relabeled Texas as my home over Wisconsin. I used to go to WI and feel sad flying back to TX, like I was leaving my home again. It was kind of crushing every time actually. This time, and the last time if I think about it, the flight to TX feels like coming home rather than leaving it. It feels good to have settled enough, made enough of a nest, to not feel so homeless like I did. For nearly my whole life I felt homeless. Even WI felt more like a “homeland” than my actual home. Now I have a Home. How incredible is that?
