Today I’m grateful for…

A very intense SIA meeting today that asked questions of me that I’ve never had to examine. I love getting the chance for insight, for connecting those dots and giving name to those feelings but fuck. I’m so raw, I have no idea how to key myself back down. And I feel like I need to go to a professional with this but don’t have one! Hopefully the new therapist I signed on with will be a good fit and I’ll be able to process this better.

Reading a book on EMDR that my previous (?) therapist recommended. Turns out I explained it poorly to you on our call but it functions similarly. I feel so capable and motivated to do more EMDR but also scared and nervous about it. To start EMDR, the therapist will usually ask you to recall a trigger. In preparation, I wrote a list of triggers I’ve always had and seeing them laid out is powerful. It takes away the personal shame, the things on this list are obviously the result of something bad happening to me. Even the triggers I’m ashamed of have lost a lot of their sting, have boundaries, and are something I look forward to conquering now. Sidenote: I’ve been really leaning into writing growth-based lists recently and it’s been so helpful. 10/10 would recommend. 

the inverse relationship between my depression and my eating that has me feeling confused. In my most depressive states, like the two weeks before this one, I was so in control of my eating and felt I was on a good path. Now I feel better about life but am eating like it’s my job. It’s frustrating, apparently when it’s not one it’s the other and I can’t figure it out. I’m considering doing what they say to do to end restrictive eating: buy all the junk food, buy everything you want to be eating but don’t let yourself, the stuff you pig out on when they’re available at social settings. Retrain your brain that these aren’t special, that you can get them at any given time, and that a lot of them aren’t even that enjoyable aside from their prohibition. Everyone says it makes them gain a shit ton of weight in the beginning but the food loses its hold after the process. 

Not liking the way that I write but not having the time to take on writing classes. I’ve been trying to stop using binary generalities like “always, never, ever, etc” and failing. I can notice myself using them sometimes but usually don’t. I’m also realizing the rest of my writing has gone to shit. I write like I talk, with run on sentences and a lot of “so”s. It’s not a huge problem but I used to like how I wrote. Now I feel like a teenager when I type things out. I’m embarrassed to be feeling and sharing what seems like such a petty concern, but it doesn’t feel petty to me. 

Upbeat gratitudes include…

• a great meeting and sharing contact info with a frequenter to the meeting. I respect his insight into himself and we have a similar experience so I’m glad I was able to reach out and that he was interested. Normally I don’t reach out to men but he’s trans and that makes me feel a lot safer. 
• discovering the Winnie the Pooh books. I’ve always adored the movies but picked up the book on a whim today and it’s been a delight.