Thursday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Predictably, grief over Ludvig. A low thrum in my skull that changes how I see the world. I lit a candle for him in a little holder made of glass, his favorite, and I took it with me wherever I went in the house. I’ve always been into thanatology and the biology of death but it was all different when I knew who had died. I have a tiny vial of skull fragments that I scraped off the gun safe in the closet, boney flakes of him that blew out with the trajectory. I have a patch of his skull where three cranial sutures meet. I cradled it to my heart and remembered how precious his brain was, that organ that held all he was, and how this patch of skull didn’t stand a chance against a gun. I wear the ring with his thumbprint engraved into it, rubbing it to feel like I could hold his hand if I wanted to. I tell the ether that I love him, that he was loved, so loved, in hopes that there is an afterlife and he can hear me. Around 9am is the last text he sent me. I wasn’t quick enough to respond. Around 9pm, it will have been two whole years since he was last breathing. That same time two years ago, I was testing two types of earbuds for sound quality, completely unaware that he had reached the peak of his pain threshold. Every other day I celebrate who he was; today is for mourning  that he didn’t think he was worth anything.

Grief for my child self that had been violated so thoroughly. I can’t make myself think of his crime anymore. Every time I try to put it into words again, it slips out almost as soon as I begin. But I can FEEL it sitting on me. In a way, it feels like my grief over Ludvig is helping me lift the grief over my abuse. I didn’t have him for long but I did have a father in Ludvig, a true father, and I’m so grateful to have gotten to know what it feels like to have a father that doesn’t hurt you. The only time Ludvig hurt me was with his death, and while that pain has felt unbearable at times, I know it wasn’t personal. My bio father’s actions against me weren’t personal either but that definitely made it a worse crime.

Kinda weird after my Po5 meeting. Unsure of the future or the match of the group. This was our first time sharing so I expected some awkwardness but it felt like more than just discomfort. I’m trying to have faith, I’m probably just off today. I loved their shares though, there are so many unique ways for codependency to crop up.

Feelin’ good…

• Heard and cared for by the universe because today has been full of thunder and storms. I know I’m not the center of anything and it’s a coincidence, but each crack of thunder feels like it releases a little bit of my rage with it. All the many sounds of rain makes me feel like I’m not so alone in this house.
• Cared for and considered by my coworker friends. I took today off for the death anniversary and have received multiple texts of support and love. I’m grateful to have grown a community of people at work that I love and that love me back.
• So so so very loved. Cubu set a “trap” of sorts in the TV room since I’m staying home today. He set up my squishy cheeseburger to look  like he’s playing the PS5. I sent him a photo asking what this little guy is playing. Cubu then remotely activates and controls the PS5, launching it to reveal that he bought me Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora, a game I’ve been waiting years to play. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be with someone so thoughtful and sweet. Not lucky, just overwhelmingly grateful.