Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Sad that my mini roses didn’t make it during my absence. During the trip I put them in a window that just gets morning light but I guess they needed less? Or maybe the heat of the day was too much right up against them? Whatever it was, all but one bloom fried, even the buds. I’m hoping to rejuvenate them but I’m generally so bad with plants, I’m worried this is the end. Really hitting on my eternal frustration with being a poor plant mom. On the bright side, I have rehabbed my Devil’s Backbone and my plumeria seems to be less spongy and stopped dropping yellow leaves. Hopefully I’m jumping the gun..

weasely and ashamed during my CODA meeting. It was the final 15 mins and two people had their hands “raised” on zoom. This meeting explicitly said to just jump in when you want to share rather than raise your hands. I wanted to make sure I got mine in so I raised mine after them, since the precedent was set. When the opening came around, neither of them took it so I jumped in. Later, the first guy who came in bashed us a bit for jumping in before him even though he had his hand raised. I understand this isn’t my issue, that he had time and didn’t take it, and that I was following the rules of the group while he wasn’t. But I feel super guilty, like I stole something from him, like I’m grubby and selfish for taking the time. I don’t think anyone but me and him feel that way. I guess I have to detach from that as well. But was I in the wrong? How is anyone ever sure of that?

Feelin’ good…

• the insurance inspector came late in the morning to check out the claim for the water leak so I got to stay home and clean the house all morning. It felt so refreshing, to get the house in order after traveling and to make the space feel homey to combat the fridge being in the middle of the kitchen and displaced stuff being everywhere. After this inspector, we should be able to reinsulate the wall and move the fridge/fridge-related things back to where they belong. I’m grateful that the rest of our house is well and not stressful. 
• if I interpreted the insurance jargon correctly, I believe they will be covering the plumber, the new wall, and the repainting of the injured wall plus the one next to it! Hopefully this spurs me to do my long-put off project of repainting the entire living spaces. I’m grateful to have the insurance we have and for Cubu for hunting out a good company.
• the sense of community I got in the CODA meeting. Everyone’s codependency presents so differently yet all so similarly at the same time? Attending this group instead of another one was an accident but I liked them a lot so I think I’ll just switch. I’m grateful to have discovered them and for CODA for having such an organized way to find meetings.
• it’s such a relief to be back to this practice, not just doing bullet points right before tumbling into bed. I hate how anxious/buzzy I get if I don’t address my emotions. It was hard on this trip because I was trying to maximize time with family and friends but maybe I need to prioritize time with my feelings just as highly? There’s a quantity<quality issue here. I just know it will be hard to convince myself on any trip that sitting and feeling is just as worth it as whatever adventure I could be having.
• I ate well today! Or rather, I recognized I was in a bad position for a major binge and got healthy food before getting home. Otherwise I would have succumbed to a binge because there was no ready-made food. Proud of my approach and grateful for the means to get the healthy takeout. 
• didn’t feel like I had time for a “good workout” and was going to just not do one when I remembered the jump rope. So I jump roped/danced for 12 mins and shit, was that still a workout. I’m grateful to have made moves in changing my “all or nothing” thought process when it comes to being active.
• I learned a fantastic tool in therapy that I’m hoping I’ll remember in the throws of a big trigger fit. It’s Dr. Bruce Perry’s 3 R’s and it bridges this infernal gap between my cognitive brain and my reactive, animal brain. Hopefully this makes the difference. 
• since coming out of my depression, I’ve noticed sex has become enjoyable again, some of the time. Not that I ever look forward to it, but I’m not dreading each encounter and dissociating throughout the show. It feels like a more wholesome way of living, although I know it could change at any time. I’m grateful to have such a sweet partner that seems to always want me, even if I’m depressed or gaining weight or unshaven.