Today I’m grateful that…

My weight loss buddy has all but stopped contacting me. I feel guilty, I feel like I bait and switched him on accident. And I feel grief that, at any point in this past year, I would have been so very on board with it. I want to be. I want to be working out, discussing different health things, and know that it’s all progressing somewhere. It was for so long. It feels bad to be on the other side of it, and it obviously felt bad to him too. When I get back on track, hopefully he’s still on track and we can have a redemptive buddy-ship. 

My daily meditation practice was improving for a while but has gotten back-burnered again. I’ve kept up my streak but some days I take no enjoyment, or never get to the point of a clear mind and it ends up being more stressful to keep bringing myself back to my breath. It normally feels so good, this psychological/bodily high that makes all of life feel harmonious. How quickly I forget that feeling!

I initiated a spontaneous videocall with an old friend yesterday. It felt great, our talking was smooth like it always was and I hope we can do it again. She lives in Brazil with a full life so finding time is hard, but not hard enough to excuse the gap I let grow in there. She tried so hard to keep in contact with me when I moved, and was so full of grace every time I let her down and would come back for a week just to leave again. I think she’s a marvel and she’s who taught me what supportive, loving friendship could be. I feel awful that I treated her so poorly, and don’t want to start saying I’ve changed if I haven’t. And I don’t want to apologize if I’m going to do it again.

Cubu and I are going up north to see her and her family in June, I’m nervous about it. It will be fun and full of adventure. But she sees my codependency. She knew me before this relationship and watched me let it consume my life. And she would never judge me, she’s too gracious, but I will see my compulsions being seen and it’s a very vulnerable, icky feeling. Maybe it won’t be so bad now that I’m on a path of recovery and feeling less ashamed. I should probably not let myself go down this anxiety spiral about something that hasn’t happened yet. 

Feel good gratitudes:

• The progress I’ve made on healing from my CSA. I’m regularly not reacting to previous triggers, able to calm myself off the ledge, and respond in a healthy way. Through this practice, I’ve been able to get distance from behaviors that were previously too shame-mired to even look at. Now I can see them as pathologies, categorize them into which trauma they come from, and have threads to pull with my journaling and my therapist. My neuroses used to be this big miasmic tangle. I had no idea where to start, what any of it was, where to go with it. Now I have directions, tools, and help. I’m getting better and I have hope.
• I got to play a new board game with our usual group. It lasted 7 hours and there’s two more parts left. At some point while dating Cubu I’ve become a board game person? I think I always have been but didn’t have the chance. I can’t get over that I played 7 straight hours, liked it, and am excited to do it again.
• I began working on my undisclosed project. I haven’t worked on a personal project in months due to the depression, and it felt so good to be learning and creating again. 
• I got stuck at one point during the project and instead of getting overwhelmed and quitting, I looked up a two hour YouTube video and educated myself. I’ve been doing a lot of the former recently and realized that’s so far from how I used to be. Then thought it’s because I feel I don’t have the time to educate myself like that anymore. BUT I know if I didn’t take the time, the project simply won’t exist. Cubu is the one that snapped me out of the pouting so I’m grateful for his role too.