Friday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Shy and embarrassed after sharing my two biggest shames with my recovery partner. I had stalled as long as I could but it was part of our work. So now she knows I’m an abuser, that I abuse my partner by “preventing” him from hanging out with friends/himself AND “prevent” him from masturbating. I’m going to change that phrasing because it’s self-shaming: now she knows I behave abusively. I think that’s probably a lot for someone to discover and hard to take in, or maybe because it’s so sensitive I read way too deeply into her reactions. Probably both. But I’m feeling vulnerable about it.

Flighty and avoidant. I got so much emotional work done today. I discovered some things, pushed myself to do really vulnerable shares, made myself do the CODA homework for my Po5. I feel empowered and accomplished. But I also feel like I’m doing all this work as a flight response to avoid my bigger grief feelings over my dad and Ludvig. 

Uneasy about the state of my relationship. We haven’t felt connected for any prolonged period of time, have a hard time being on each other’s levels, and I think we’re both pretty tired. I have perspective now, I used to think this meant a breakup was imminent. Now I know relationships just have cycles of disconnect, but I hate it anyway. Cubu says he doesn’t have the emotional energy to always be on my level, and I respect that. But it also kind of crushes my heart a bit. I LOVE talking about this stuff: self-development and discovery, interpersonal connection. This shit is my bread and butter. I wish this is all I had to talk about, I feel I’ve been really growing into myself and loving the deep content I always have now. To hear him not have energy, to me, comes off as he doesn’t have energy for my true self. It reminds me of how different we are. I usually have the energy to listen to his things, even if I don’t find them very interesting or deep.  He literally doesn’t have energy for the full me. How much of a problem is this?

Worried about the difference of communication skills between Cubu and I. In Anon groups, almost every one is a growth mindset individual. They have been in therapy, working on themselves, feeling into their hearts and bodies. We all share a lingo and intrinsic desire to look inward and improve. I’ve been loving it so much that conversations without that do more than fall flat for me, they feel like they just have nothing for me. And I’m getting better at identifying and communicating my feelings with articulation and minutia. It’s starting to really get to me that Cubu has moved nowhere while I feel I’ve moved so far. When we try to connect on his stuff, I’m just so uninterested because it feels like it’s become meaningless to me. And when we try to connect on my stuff, he’s so obviously left behind. He can barely contribute anything on his side and I’m left feeling unheard because he doesn’t know how to communicate that he’s listened. We need to have a talk about it but I’m scared to bring it up since I don’t know what to do about it. And I’m scared it points to this issue being unresolvable. He’s definitely a good enough partner, maybe I’m expecting too much.

Worried about our future with me going through CODA. The more I learn, the more I realize that Cubu plays an important part in this codependence. He sets no boundaries, doesn’t speak up for himself, then resents me heavily for things he has said I make him do or give him no choice over. He takes no agency or responsibility for his compliance. Today I was reflecting out loud that I think the hate we have for ourselves regarding my controlling behavior might be the same. I hate myself for hurting him (which hurts myself), and he hates himself for letting himself be hurt, for not protecting his inner world. Both seem to be a self-harming failure to protect something we care about and value. He got defensive and said he hates himself for what I do to him. I dropped it because I didn’t want to get into it. At some point I’m going to have to tell him that he’s part of the problem but I don’t feel ready. I feel guilty about that too since I think I’m withholding to maintain control (or until I feel more secure). So as I take control of my actions, I worry I’m going to outgrow him. It’s a thing I’ve heard from a bunch of people going through CODA and it makes me so sad to think about. But should I be in a relationship that isn’t emotionally fulfilling when I’m such an emotional being? 

Feelin’ good…

• Physically exhausted and capable. The courts canceled volleyball practice today so Cubu, a teammate, and I went to the river to play beach volleyball. It’s super different, with its own rules and the sand swallows up all the momentum of your feet. 2 hours of that exhausted me more than 4 hours of court volleyball but it feels incredible. I’m excited to have broken the ice with this sport, I’ve been shying away from playing with the college kids as if I were still in college. I intend to do this a couple times a week, especially once volleyball is done. 
• Accomplished, another couple people in my SIA group told me I created a safe environment for them. I’m shocked by how much I love hosting these meetings and facilitating a welcoming, vulnerable group spirit. It’s that same feeling I love having when I can tell I’m listening to/connecting well with a friend: that they’re feeling heard and felt and soothed. But now I have the chance to help a dozen people at a time feel heard/felt/soothed. It has a coming home feeling, like I’m making a difference in the world with the skills I’ve been given.
• Connected talking to my coworkers today. I have a lot of great, emotional people in my department and I cherish the conversations we have. 
• Successful and brave! I’ve been trying for months to make it to the next level with this one coworker and I did it today! Specifically I’ve been trying to get myself to ask if they wanted to hang out outside of the library, to make it a friendship rather than just coworkers. I literally had to do breathing exercises beforehand with a little pep talk to go up to her and ask. I feel proud of pushing myself to chase what I want, even though I could’ve been rejected and created awkwardness.