Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Crushed and unreasonably sad. I didn’t meditate yesterday. I’ve meditated every day of 2024, even on trips, even when depressed, even when I cursed the westerners who brought it over because I had to do it that day. Sitting still feels like petting against the grain, I so rarely do it voluntarily but I always feel the benefit. The streak guaranteed my participation. And now, for something stupid, I lost a 170 day motivator. I know it shouldn’t matter, that I reaped the benefit whether there was an unbroken chain or not. But it feels like I worked so hard to keep it going just to lose it for the stupidest reason yesterday. Maybe I’m also ashamed that I failed my goal and this little voice in my head says “we told you so, there was no way you were ever going to make that.” Hold on. If I reflect, I didn’t actually have an end goal? The goal was to just show up every day, which I did do. I think I can switch my thinking to being grateful for having made a 170 day streak and just start a new one.

Grief and frustration at Ludvig, at Ludvig’s wife, and at nobody at all because the whole thing is shitty and everyone is grieving. I checked my credit score and found out it went down 30 points because a bill went to collections. It was Ludvig’s wife’s bill, but I don’t want to ask her to pay it and even if I pay it, my credit score keeps the loss. I’m frustrated that I worked hard to raise that score just to have it dropped so far. And frustrated that Ludvig’s wife didn’t think of the ramifications of missing the bill, although she likely didn’t know it wasn’t entirely in her name when she missed it. There’s no one to blame, I’m just sad, at a 30pt deficit, a $300 loss, and Ludvig is still dead.

Ill at ease, anxious, and trying to stay calm. Cubu had his psychiatrist appt for his sleep issue and, like I had guessed, the psych said “yeah, you don’t really need my services, go see a sleep specialist.” So we got neither comfort nor answers. Which I guess is better than bad news? Next he gets bloodwork and follows up on the sleep specialist recommendation. I just want to know he’s okay.

Feelin’ good…

• it’s been raining all day, something that has been sorely needed for this area. Cubu and I took a walk while it was still sprinkling, my first time of trying out Dr. Perry’s Rs. It worked. The problem is when it’s raining like it is now, I’m pretty disincentivized to go outside. I’m grateful to have been introduced to the simple and understated power of walking. 
• had a good revelation during my meeting today. It didn’t feel good but I’m glad to have realized it. In a nutshell, I trust strangers more than I trust people that I know love me, because in my past “love” had been an empty word. And not only do I not trust friends and foster families to stay, a child in me EXPECTS them to leave. Every next contact holds the threat of abandonment, I have to keep lavishing gratitude on them or they’ll leave. I’ll have to dig into this more later. I’m grateful for the courage of my fellow SIA member whose share unlocked this in me.