Today I’m grateful for…

for context: I have a half brother that’s 22 years older than me. He grew up with my father until he was 17 and moved out. He told me that Dad and his mom would do some pretty gross sexual stuff around him all growing up. We were close when I met him at 22 but have stopped talking the past couple years. Our relationship just didn’t feel good to me and I didn’t have a way of articulating it so I faded off. 

Realizing that I need to write my half brother a letter and that it’s going to hurt. Now that I’m in recovery, I can see so many ways his experience has altered him like anyone else in my SIA groups. His kid just moved to college and he’s getting to the age where men are much more likely to die by suicide. My theory on that has been that they have kids to distract them and then they don’t, but still have no help for their emotional issues, and can’t take it anymore. I really don’t want this to happen to him. The letter will have two letters in it:

• one saying I need to share some personal stuff about incest that he shouldn’t read unless he’s in a good place
• another relating that we have a shared experience and sharing some of mine. That I’ve found a resource that could help him too, and that I’m living freer than I’ve ever lived because of it.

obviously subconsciously forgetting him this entire time. He should have been the first person I thought of when I began this, since I know he is a survivor of incest too, with the same perpetrator. But I was busy thinking of other people, and friends, and ignoring the most hurtful one. I’m sure it was to protect myself, that opening this is a call to action that will hurt both of us initially and I was avoiding that reality. I’m not upset with myself (cool new thing! a couple months ago I would have been berating) but I am filled with sorrow at what I feel I need to do. And hope that he’s receptive to it, in a good place to heal. Aside from wishing for him a fulfilling, happy life, I find myself doing this as an act of rebellion against Dad. I reject that his actions get to control my life anymore, and it pains me to think Dad still has a hold on him. 

Not being sure if this is the right course of action but having no sage person to ask. I’m confused and conflicted. Is this more harmful than helpful? Is this codependency or kindness and community? How do I do this in the most respectful, sensitive way? What if he isn’t ready and he reads it anyway? In that case, he’ll probably just dissociate the way the rest of us do. Or he’ll be massively triggered and not have the support to handle it. I know he doesn’t believe in therapy, but SIA relies on a higher power and he is very Christian so I’m hoping that will be enough. Feeling a bit outgunned.

Having had a full day planned for today but yesterday just took so much out of me that I’m canceling 3/4 of the social things. I think I’m the only one that cares this much about the events I’m not showing up to, but I still feel that codependent guilt. Which is another reason I’m not going: because it’s a thing I need for myself and it’s okay to say no, especially if it isn’t hurting anyone else. Is what I’m telling myself anyway…

The realization that I had avoided thinking of my half brother because that makes it real. It validates what I lived through if he lived a parallel experience, and I wasn’t ready to fully see that yet. I’m grateful that I seem to be in a place to look at it now but fuck, I’m not feeling good. I feel like a soda can that got shaken. It was real. And what he shared with me, that was just what he chose to tell me. That was just what he’s remembered SO FAR. Maybe this isn’t the most prudent move but I messaged him saying I’m piecing together my past and, if he’s willing, would like to ask him about sensitive experiences he had with Dad. FUck it all.

Feel good gratitudes:

• having jobs that only take my time on the weekends so I can choose how to fill two whole days each week. Getting up slowly and having coffee with Cubu just cannot be beat.
• having a partner that is so cuddly. I don’t always appreciate it when I’m trying to isolate but otherwise, it’s a balm and a joy
• the bravery of the women in my meetings astounds me, to be able to look so honestly at themselves and share what they find each meeting. I never share first, I’m always following after someone has inspired me with their courage.
• making more headway on my project. The bones of it are almost done.