Friday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Sad and frustrated that I have no libido and can’t orgasm on my SSRI medication. Since the dose was increased, I’ve had to fight for my life to orgasm and yesterday, after 10 minutes of gruesomely trying, I just gave up. Cubu and I just lied there feeling sad for me. I knew this was a side effect of the meds when I agreed to take them, so it’s on me. Orgasms aren’t very important, but I just learned that they could apply to me like 7 years ago so it feels like a betrayal of some new power I discovered. And I hate being the one that is always sexually inept in my relationship, always the one with some sexual issue. I know it will be easier as I work through the sexual trauma that doesn’t help me right now. 

Wretched after my SIA meeting uncovered something. This one was great, lots of very real shares today. More than one person cried, including me. For context, during pap smears or when getting my IUD put in, I shake violently and sob on the table every single time. They have to keep telling me to stop closing my legs and it feels impossible to open them. It scares the doctors, who always ask for an assistant to come in and then ask like every 30 seconds if they should stop. I didn’t realize this was clearly a trauma reaction until someone else’s share brought it up. I related to her in my share, saying how obvious it is now. And then I went through my memories that I’ve regained and realized none of them account for that reaction, yet it must be a reaction to sexual trauma. Which means I have more to uncover. At some point my dad violated me in a similar position, in a similar way. Once I put that together, I had to hand the meeting over to someone else. It makes so much sense, I remembered my pattern of not being able to be touched by partners in the same way. So now I know, kind of. I feel devastated and angry that there’s more, scared of getting the memory back but also scared of not getting it. Disbelief that there could be more, how could there be more, haven’t I found fucking enough? I’m proud of myself for examining it further, for making that connection, but shit. Damnit.

Feelin’ good…

• I got myself to work out! I asked myself and realized I just don’t like running or weight lifting, they’re so boring. I was having a hard time motivating myself to do it. When I asked myself what I love about activity it was the sport of it! I’ll just work out by practicing a sport!! So I borrowed the racquetball guy’s bag and practiced for an hour. It felt fantastic, fun, challenging, and was an hour of movement. I’m excited to have figured this out, I’m even looking into buying my own equipment on Sunday.
• When I came back after my breakdown in the SIA meeting, everyone was so fucking loving and sweet. They all showed their care in different ways, I felt completely supported. For context, a lot of us have stuffed animals since it’s required in the literature. One of my fellow survivors put on a voice and asked if his stuffed animal could talk to mine. It felt weird but I said yes. His method was perfect: everyone was laughing, especially me, and it took my inner child from a position of terror to wholesome delight. I’m wordlessly grateful for these groups, seriously. I’ll never go back. 
• Reading Untamed, I’m determined to marry myself like she talks about. Get myself a ring, a tattoo in honor of honoring myself, something! And a ceremony. I’m so excited to celebrate and maintain this devotion to myself, to living my life for me, for service to be an option rather than a compulsion, for living fully.
• We finished painting the bathroom yesterday and today I moved us back from the guest room. It took all evening but I’m back in my bed, my bathroom is restored, the game room is ready for Cubu’s party tomorrow. I’m proud of what we’ve been able to accomplish this week and so. So. Happy to have my bed + bathroom back. I’ve been doing a lot of big work to have no established safe corner to hide and cry in.
• I’ve been checking out children’s spanish/bilingual books at work and slowly reading them. I’m almost at a child’s level of literacy, I’m so excited! I’m grateful to have a free language learning app and to be making progress in it. I think at some point I will have to buckle down and get serious with the grammar though. Then videocall teachers!!