Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Guilty again for calling in sick again because Cubu is still ill. But I’m trying not to let it ruin my day this time. 

Wretched and scared. After a great therapy session, I was able to feel the seed of my anger, everything I have repressed since I was like 9 and it’s blinding. I haven’t acknowledged the extent of layered rage I hold and just getting near it today had me panicked. It feels like it will consume me. I want to break everything near me, I want to kill someone, I want to rip the world apart and scream until my throat swells shut. She says I just have to sit with this feeling and trust I won’t commit any crimes. How? I used to be so vicious growing up. I’m so scared of lashing out at Cubu, at myself, at a coworker. I think I need to start kickboxing again. 

Exposed and at a loss. Reluctant to do what I need to do. With my therapist’s gentle pushing I realized in session that I intellectualize my pain. I label, I neatly place it in my inner narrative, I organize it so I can state it like a book report rather than be the mess it could make me into. I do everything BUT sit with it, feel my body. Turns out I’ve been missing the biggest benefit of this practice the whole time. I feel like a fool. I also realized I used empathy for my father as a tool to avoid feeling angry at him. Like I’d start feeling angry, then think “oh he’s a victim too, what he must have gone through to get to that kind of place…” Then I’d congratulate myself for being so zen as to forgive my perpetrator, for being above it, being evolved, “am I healed yet?”. But in the midst of that routine I’d lose the feeling, not listen to that hurting inner child who was told once again by an adult that her feelings weren’t important. I feel I’ve betrayed myself. 

Feelin’ good…

• Caught up on our backlog of messages and ordered the items for your care package! Because I had been avoiding my budget, I was also avoiding anything that could cost money. Also I have a weird, inexplicable aversion to the post office, always have, and typically avoid it at all costs. I still haven’t sent my brother’s housewarming gift and he moved in with his girlfriend months ago. So it feels really good to have made moves and bought what I needed. Now I can send your package and my brother’s in one swoop! Then treat myself after  lol. 
• I’ve been working through this book of logic puzzles and doing mental math brain teasers during the sick break. I forgot how much I love these, they make my head feel like taffy so I know it’s working. I feel clever and needed the positive boost. 
• I really like my new therapist. She listens without judging at all. I told her everything today (the masturbation fear, camping out at home, Thursdays). Her questions were perfect, 3 steps ahead, and all in the direction I needed them to go. We uncovered a lot in session and she helped me piece together the next part of the path. I feel supported and like I have a direction.
• I went to see A Quiet Place: Day One and I fucking love these movies. Sure the story line isn’t perfect but they’re so full of heart and body language and humanity. I’m so happy to have gotten to see this latest one, that they exist for me to sink into.