Today I’m grateful for feeling…

sickly, cramping, gassy, greasy, and just fucking gross. I ate an entire large pizza and half a tray of brownies yesterday, not including the normal meals I had before that. Our friends were over until midnight and I ate my way through it. My body is so unhappy with me. I spent time trying to memorize these feelings and really lean into the discomfort, associate it with the overeating, so my brain can start forming new connections. This was the worst I’ve done in a while. 

scared still, about Cubu’s sleep issue. He’s scheduled two appointments for June so we’ll know more then. Just hoping so much that the practitioner was correct, that the solution is a pill he takes each night. 

ashamed and sad about dragging Cubu with me for a two hour road trip so I can meet my recovery partner in person while she’s in the area. I should be able to just go and leave him home alone but I’m not there yet, I simply would skip the chance to meet her if he didn’t go along with it. We both went through part of the afternoon feeling like beaten dogs, and these feelings replaced my excitement about seeing her. I guess I’m disappointed, not ashamed 

Feelin’ good…

• I spearheaded our budgeting this morning! I’m so grateful for budgeting software and being able to afford it. I got through mine with nary a fit, no tears, barely a raised voice. I’m grateful for Cubu’s patience and knowledge as he helps me navigate complications with the budgeting software.
• I came up with a way to include my body in my self-love practice. Hopefully this will prevent my mistreating it with overeating and non-use. I’ll elaborate if it works. 
• I reflected on my recent inactivity, what may be holding me back, what I need to get out the door, and created a plan to get me back to sweating. My shoes are already by my bag. I’m grateful to have the tools I need to come up with potential solutions.
• I made a substitution cypher of symbols! It’s nothing super unique or even uncypherable, but I’ve been wanting to do this probably since I was 8 or something. I feel like I’ve fulfilled a childhood wish and look forward to using it in the future.
• filled out my monthly reflection on becoming my own inner loving parent and discovered how much progress I’ve made! If self love/compassion/knowledge is the foundation upon which one can begin to build a healthy, fulfilling life, I feel for the first time like I have something solid enough to stand on. I’m grateful to have so many ways to quantify and measure internal growth, and for the geniuses who wrote books to educate people in how to do it.
• spent the morning without my watch because it was charging and oh my god, I felt so free?? I didn’t realize how much I limited myself and added stress by frequently and unnecessarily checking the time. I’m grateful to have had this happy accident and look forward to being watch-free more often
• every now and then, like today, Cubu takes a photo of me because I’m “just lookin’ too cute”. It can happen anywhere, and rarely at a time that I feel particularly cute. I feel so adored, grateful to be loved by this caring man and wondrous at how lucky I was that we found each other, flaws and all.
• meeting my recovery partner went well! Her family was there too so I got to meet them, even though they don’t know how we know each other. I loved getting to have that in-person connection (compared to our usual calls) and look forward to the next one. I’m grateful she was traveling in the area so that we could meet, and for modern transportation that covers long distances.