Today I’m grateful that…

I had tea time with a close friend but even knowing rationally that she probably doesn’t feel I’m a burden, I left feeling worse than when I went into it. This is a friend where I normally leave feeling connected and elated, so I’m despairing that it felt so bad. Another part of me wonders if she has experienced CSA like I have (given what I know about her history, I think it’s possible) and that talking to me triggers her a bit. She seems to fog out a bit when it’s brought up and stiffens some. Sore than I remember her ever getting when I used to talk about Ludvig, which was another difficult topic but clearly affected her differently. I don’t want to ask but I’m also sad that I have one less friend to go to than I once did. Or I’m imagining it all.

I feel uncontrollably anxious today, I don’t seem to have a handle on the bees that live under my skin. I have no idea what to do with this energy besides eat and pick at my nails. I’d go for a walk but it’s raining and I’m too tired to go work out. We’ll see what happens, maybe I just need to take a break.

My meeting with the new recovery partner went okay? She’s kind of off-putting in a way that made me feel kind of unsafe, or at least not very willing to be open. She was in the car when we called, talked over me sometimes, sounded almost manic in how fast and aggressive her speech was, then hung up brusquely. I’m hoping she’s just nervous and that’s how her anxiety presents. We meet next Friday to go over one abuse event each so I’ll update. Feeling disappointed that it didn’t feel like an immediate fit, then guilty for judging/assuming so quickly.

I’ve been neglecting the household duties in a big way and I need to just get my ass in gear to do them. I’ve been upkeeping but there are a couple of big things that I’ve just been putting off. Cubu would never complain but this is my half of the chores so I feel bad for slacking on them. In this respect it was much easier living alone lol. 

I’ve been doing really well on not binging all week. Honestly it’s mostly thanks to that game I keep getting sucked into, I forget to eat! That and the wonders of Metamucil. But it makes me hopeful that I can maybe stop my unstoppable weight gain here. I would love to have one less thing on my plate (I wrote that as a metaphor but also in reality I guess lol).