Today I’m grateful for…

Feeling guilty that I write all these feelings to you when, previous to this practice, my default was to share them with Cubu. I’ve decided to make sure to share with him the feelings of mine he should know, or some of them, because it keeps me from connecting with him otherwise. 

This sadness that Cubu and I will never connect to the depth that I wish we could. He and I have a relationship I adore, very playful and supportive. But he struggles with naming emotions/responding to emotional conversations. Me being a really emotional person, there’s a whole inner world I have that we’ll never connect together over. It’s made more poignant because I DO have that connection with others in my life. But the one person I really want it with isn’t available. 

Feeling bittersweet, knowing I chose him for his emotional unavailability because of where I was at that point in life. I’m haunted by the worry that, as I progress and heal, I’ll outgrow him. I’ve told him this and it’s made us cry a lot. Every partner he’s had has left for that exact reason, so I’m additionally worried that I may add to that list. Are there some things you’re not supposed to tall your partner?

Calling my mom to verify some memories and getting what I wished for. I no longer have the comfort of telling myself I made it up, imagined it, fudged the timeline, anything that could have gotten me away from the truth. And I’m devastated. 

The horror of it all. How could a 55 year old man look at a 3 year old and think, let alone DO, anything like that? How is it possible? I understand it logically. I understand he was abused himself and spent the rest of his life acting aggressively and dominating everyone he could to avoid that feeling. But I just can’t get it. Lol I guess I’m lucky I can’t, I’d definitely be on the wrong path if I could.

All the eating I haven’t done today, even though I want to eat everything including the house, after a day like today.