Tuesday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Revelatory today as I noticed another reason that I expect men to be predators even when they’ve exhibited no signs of this. In general, I’m always holding my breath for a kind man to suddenly become a monster: “GOTCHA! I was like this the whole time!!!” I was thinking back on my Dad, on the type of “love” he was capable of showing. He was a classic malignant narcissist and would love-bomb me. When he looked at me, or when he was in a rare good mood, he was golden. I felt like the center of the universe, like I was made of sunshine. But no matter how incredible his positive attention would make me feel, he’d snap back to being a monster sooner rather than later. After a while I came to expect it, to know he was bad even as he was good. It makes sense that I applied that to every other man, especially ones in his age profile or aesthetics. I feel sorrow that my conception of probably 25% of the human population is like this. Sorrow for the amount of fear and distrust I’ve carried and still carry. Angry at the energy that I have spent and will continue to spend unlearning this chaotic, harmful mindset. 

Bummed??? that my coworker acquaintance said she couldn’t make it to our scheduled Zumba class, the one that would break me out of my cage and fulfill a long-standing desire. In her cancellation, I discovered I’m determined to go? I WANT to go. I want to do Zumba then have sushi with myself and enjoy the freedom I’ve created. Is this a sign? What does this even mean? Half a year ago I couldn’t even LOOK at doing something outside of the house if Cubu was in it. Now I’m bummed that I can’t? That makes a lot of sense when I write it out. I’m hoping I can get myself to go anyway. This will be a big day. 

Sad and excited for my coworker friend Quill and the journey she’s about to embark on. She’s in a similar place that I’ve been in with my own healing journey and it was brutal. It took me 3+ years to face and deal with the mountain called “mommy issues” that she is beginning to notice/wonder about. I think there may be other things too, things she’s been gearing up to face but isn’t quite sure yet what they are. I can relate heavily to that as well. I hope I can continue to be a good friend so she can count on me for support. I KNOW I couldn’t have gotten through mine without support. 

Also sad and excited for coworker friend Grace. We had a good, deep morning conversation this morning. I love when we find time to talk. I relate to where she is on her journey with her mother as well and my heart goes out to her. She’s at a different stage of mother issues that I also had to go through, one where the best thing to do would be to cut them off for a while and recalibrate in that newfound space. The year that I did this with my mom felt like it was wrenching my heart in two. I also hope to be there for her.

Feelin’ good…

• I came clean to Quill during a tea date, telling her what I’ve pieced together of my past and the controlling codependent behaviors that I’m grappling with. I felt so heard and accepted. She shared her own stuff too that resonated with me in a big way. We had a wonderful time. She even stayed late with me until it was Zumba time, to encourage me going, and I felt cared for. 
• Aanndd… I WENT TO ZUMBA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went by myself, jumping through all the planning and liability hoops so that I couldn’t find an excuse to back out of it. I even got rid of/addressed obstacles in my way so that I could go!!! And I fucking loved it. I love dancing but I’ve never felt very good at it. Zumba doesn’t give a shit, no one is there to look like Fred Astaire and everyone is there to sweat. I didn’t think of Cubu once in that whole hour, completely unprecedented if he’s at home and I’m not. I just enjoyed living my life how I wanted to. It was a colossal victory for me and I’m so so proud. When Cubu picked me up after, I found out that he didn’t go home, he just kept working at the office. So I didn’t get to be tested on the masturbation thing. Somehow this makes it only part of the victory it should have been. It’s like I overcame the codependent half but didn’t get to test the CSA-related half. But I didn’t know he had stayed at work so it’s still a semi-win on that front. Feeling grateful for every person/group/therapist that helped get me here. And especially grateful to myself for pushing, always pushing, for a better life.
• I facilitated a CODA meeting for the first time, it was surreal. It felt like my facilitating always does but the script is suddenly all different. Also, we got Zoom bombed 3 times on my watch. I was so triggered, it’s always a mashup of porn images with porn audio blaring. I didn’t panic this time though, I felt like a sniper. I was so efficient and once it happened the second time while I was in the meeting, I created a waiting room so they couldn’t get back in. I’m excited to run the zoom security training in two weeks, there really needs to be more than just me that knows what they’re doing. I felt proud of myself for keeping my head and helping the group.