Saturday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Grief over my past, over Ludvig, at how huge that revelation was. This might be a prominent emotion for a while. I’m leaning into it and I feel like dogshit. My brain is all foggy again, my motivation is gone, I’m tired, and I’ve had a hard time finding pleasure in things I typically enjoy. There are exceptions like volleyball but on the whole, most things have felt duller than they should for a week now. It helps a bit to remember I’ll be more recovered on the other side of this. I feel like the Fluoxetine should make this feel different than last time but it doesn’t? Or maybe it would be worse but it’s been sparing me the extra pain? I don’t know. 

Worry about my foster mother figure in Wisconsin. She called today to let me know she has breast cancer again. She said it’s in stage 0, doctors are feeling great about it, no worrying. I believe her and I’m sure she’ll be fine. But I’ve lost enough parents so the news is triggering that fear. It also feeds into my larger dread of my foster parents dying. I’ll experience the loss of a mother/father figure more than once, and once was awful. I know it means I’ve been blessed with love and that’s completely worth it, but I’m not at peace with the idea of untimely loss. I’m okay really, just had to get that out I guess.

Grief, jeez it just keeps coming. Cubu and I found out that the father of a mutual friend died this week, the daughter is only like 30. That still feels too young for a parent to die. She’s been struggling for a while now and I’m so sad that this has been added to her plate. Her father will be a complicated grief like mine so I really empathize with the storm that’s just descended upon her. I’ve been spit-balling ways of helping/things to send but I know nothing can touch you in the beginning of grief when everything is shock and denial. 

Embarrassed and frustrated since I’ve been lightly binging for a couple days now. Like right after thinking I had conquered it. And I had for weeks! But with the Ludvig grief I’ve felt so little control over my eating. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday to talk about Vyvanse and I’m grateful it kept getting pushed back. If it had happened a week ago like it was supposed to, I would have said I didn’t want to try it. I love it when a resource becomes available right as you need it, it feels like I’m being looked after. So I guess I’m also feeling hopeful.

Feelin’ good…

• Bold and like I’ve lashed back at my past. I woke up after a tumultuous night and just wanted to have uncomplicated sex that was completely my choice, without feeling like it was fulfilling a duty. Cubu and I had sex last night and I normally don’t want morning sex (morning breath is NOT a turn on). So this morning held absolutely 0 expectation for me to do this, I couldn’t have felt less external pressure. So I initiated. Cubu didn’t seem to know what to do at first since it’s so out of the norm but he caught on after I didn’t let up. It was the least traumatizing sex I’ve had in months, close to the way I think sex is supposed to be. I’m grateful for that flash of inspiration. I feel like I took something back for myself today, and boosted my relationship a bit in the process.
• Connected and like I’m officially part of a new community. One of my volleyball teammates set up a hangout at a local winery and it was really nice. A beautiful day, good company, just sitting around and laughing casually without the stress of a sport happening in the background. Most of our team is from Cubu’s workplace and they’re literally on the same team there. It’s taken a while for me to feel like I’m just as much a part of the volleyball team when everyone knows each other so well but today showed me I’ve made it. 
• Excited about just. doing. nothing. After getting back to you and my other gratitude group, I sat myself down and asked what I wanted to do. I didn’t get up until I came up with something that had no productive ulterior motive, it took longer than I feel it should have. So I played Avatar again and adored it. That movie (now a series I guess) was my absolute, 1000% favorite since the day it came out. Playing in the world of Pandora makes so many of my child selves feel like they’ve woken up in a dream. It’s a huge gift to them.