Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Overwhelmed at how codependent I am, how much work there is to be done. For all my improvement in SIA, I still haven’t stopped the main behaviors I entered into it to fix. What if I work CODA and the same happens? I remind myself that it’s a process, that I’m healing every day and my life is slowly becoming more manageable. And I have a therapist now! Hopefully I can process those trauma memories with her. It’s also possible that more of my intimacy issues stem from my codependency than I realize, and as I gain clarity with that, I will meet my goals. If I think about it, that’s probably what it is. But it still all feels like a lot. And I know I’ll be a better, healthier me, but a part of me is scared of who that is because she’s so unfamiliar. I guess that fear, that not trusting myself, plays into it as well. 

Nervous and anxious about today’s volleyball practice. This is my first time playing since I stopped working out and my ego is quailing at the thought of how much worse I could do. Why? I have nothing to prove to my team. And I shouldn’t have anything to prove to myself either. I guess this issue, as with most of my issues, seems to need some self love. 

Really fucking buzzy today, I don’t know what it is. I’ve definitely got something boiling. I hate this feeling, the bees under the skin. Sure I can walk it off, I can meditate, I can be calm and still and “in touch with my inner peace.” But what I can’t seem to do is figure it the fuck out. All these stilling techniques, why do they never seem to lead to insight? Insight comes when I catch myself acting like a child, or in a meeting, or  when I’m being tested in some way. I don’t know how to elicit a test, and I don’t want this feeling to go away without me knowing why it’s here. I just don’t know how to find out. 

Concerned about my glass career. Now that I’ve doubled up my Anonymous meetings with CODA, I really don’t have time or the proper headspace to do glasswork. At some point my glass guy will contact me and I’ll have to tell him that. It won’t feel good. Is that codependent? My business is my business, I should be able to tell him no without feeling guilty or like I’m doing something wrong. I made no promises to be back to windows after my trip. I’m also concerned about the financial angle though. I can survive off of my library paycheck but I like to have more overhead than that, to be adding to my savings. I guess I just have to decide that I’m worth the money. My development and quality of life is worth more than me making extra money each month. But how long will this go on for? Is it wrong to take advantage of this opportunity? Man, I’m really worrying myself into a hole. The solution is to trust that I’m on the right path and that I am capable of being successful when I feel it’s time to be. To know I will love myself regardless of what that success looks like. This may take some work.

Feelin’ good…

• I showed up to my CODA meeting. Lord did I not want to but I did and it was helpful even though I didn’t share. It felt good to be surrounded by people who also have compulsive behaviors that they’d rather not have and are working to change. I’m grateful for all the codependents who put hours of service into making these happen, and for that group of wives that started all of this with Al-Anon.
• I was feeling overwhelmed with the chores and work I had to do today. I took a couple breaths, got myself to make a list, and slowly but surely made my way through the whole thing! My house feels cleaner, I feel less clogged. I’m grateful to have a home to manage, one that I can put care into with pride. 
• I made this “what my cycle of depression looks like” and pinned it to my quote wall. I didn’t think much of it, it was just an infographic of a pattern I realized in therapy this week. When Cubu sees it, he smiles big at me and says it’s really cool and he loves how I’m always coming up with stuff like that. He took my hand, kissed it, and I felt very seen and appreciated. Even if I don’t feel I have much control over this self-help trait of mine, since it keeps pushing regardless of my will to continue lol.
• There’s a person in the SIA WhatsApp group who is very difficult, constantly violating group rules, and is just super sexist. Recently, someone pointed that out and there seems to be moves for that person to be banned. I can see they’re in pain and don’t want this person to be down a resource, but they can’t just keep being an asshole when everyone else, each also a survivor, manages to not be.
• Update: I did not need to be nervous about volleyball. It was so great to be on the court with my team again, I was so happy to be there and my game was on it. I do need to learn how to jump serve though. This new group seems good, good spirit and good potential. I’m grateful to be on a team with such fun members and to be able bodied enough to play.