Wednesday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Connected and useful after helping library volunteer Will screw supports into some shelves. We have a quiet understanding of each other that I really appreciate. We also have a great work flow where he teaches me carpentry and being a handyman, and I give him someone to teach. Today I told him, at the right time and in a short way, that I had been trafficked and am working on that in a big way. He was super understanding and gentle. I find myself scared to get close to him after Ludvig since he seems so much like a shoe-in father figure/craft mentor. I’m loving how empowering, freeing, and connective it feels to share my truth. Everyone reacts with such kindness. I’m grateful to be surrounded by compassionate people.
Successful, like I’ve been accidentally of service in the way I’ve always wanted to be. Quill sent me a message today that my honesty about my journey is inspiring! That by noticing how similar our experiences can be she feels less alone and is able to be more compassionate with herself. This is exactly what I have been hoping for, that by changing myself I can inspire others to be kinder to themselves, to feel like they can find the encouragement to take more steps in their own journey. That’s the entire reason I made this blog. That’s why I’m looking at starting a local, in-person SIA meeting. Hearing people share is so powerful and self-reflective. I feel like it’s working. I’m making some tiny, positive difference in the world and I can’t believe it. And I’m so happy for her! I think she’s so capable and clever, it thrills me to think she is being kinder to herself and seeing her own awesomeness.
Nervous, feeling like something must be wrong. My days are feeling good but I have been shredding my nails and I can’t put my finger on why that is happening. I guess I’ll find out. Lol just read my own writing. I guess the anger of piecing together the trafficking would probably be enough to cause nail biting? I’m so deep in this work that I forget how huge the stuff I’m taking on is. I’ve been neglecting my self love practice recently and I think I need to hop back onto that boat, it shows.
Angry still. If I consult my limbs, every one of them is ready and willing to punch through a wall, kick through a cabinet, hurl a chair across a room. The trick is not letting myself hurt myself. It turns out I value my body less than I value my items because I want to cut, I want to burn, I want to bleed. I haven’t done any of this in over 5 years, it’s surreal to be feeling it again now. This fury is insatiable and eternal.
Pleased and grateful when reflecting on the relationship I have with my body this year as compared to my life beforehand. I feel so connected to it now. I respect it, I adore it, I listen when it tells me things. I think it is beautiful and capable and I inhabit it rather than resent it. It is my vessel for life rather than a cage that attracts predators. I’ve discovered so much. Like if you don’t push through a sickness or a sore muscle, it will heal faster. My body has always gently told me when I’m hungry or full, I just couldn’t hear it before until it was screaming/growling/aching at me. If I eat well, I feel good. All things that sound so obvious but that I couldn’t see before. I’m so grateful to the self help books that helped me develop it and for my great teammates in volleyball. I think sports really helped me bridge that mind-body connection and if my teammates were shitty, I probably wouldn’t have continued to try out different sports.
Excited and scared after talking with a previously mentioned CODA member about starting a local meeting in my town. I’ve decided I want it to be SIA rather than CODA, since I’m most comfortable facilitating in the former. She lives in Oregon and is thinking of starting a CODA meeting there. We went over logistics and possible issues, what to do to help each other and have the best chance of success. It was very fruitful and enjoyable. I feel more capable after our discussion than I did before. My fear has also increased because creating a meeting is a big deal with a lot of volunteer work and possibly no success. But I can do hard things and if I succeed in this, who knows how many people could benefit from it? It feels important.
Successful and motivated after uploading a week’s worth of backlogged blog entries. I’ve really let it slip the past month and a half, favoring Avatar and other mindless things. It felt great to get that done, to make progress. I have it on my calendar to prioritize it this weekend and get caught up.
